Jet's Troubling Obsession
by emletish
Summary: Jet has taken to stalking Lee with gusto. However he would like to remind everyone, especially smellerbee and longshot, that while he spends every waking minute stalking Lee, or talking about Lee or obsessing about Lee - he does not have a Big Gay Crush on him.
1. a worrisome obsession

Brief warning: there's nothing too offensive in here, content-wise. however there is a great deal of swearing. not enough to justify an M rating, but enough to make me rate it T.

Jet's worrisome obsession.

#

Now that I know that Lee and the old man are firebenders- I can't think on anything else.

Smellerbee was gentle with me when I originally told her and Longshot about what happened. I had gone over to ask Lee to join our group and he said no. But now I didn't want him in our group anyway – because he was a firebender! Smellerbee said she knew I was _upset _about Lee rejecting me – but it was for the best. That was nice, but then she went on and on about it. She was acting like I had asked him out on a _date_ and he had said no – not that I had just told her he was a firebender!

So there is one person in the world who doesn't fancy me and didn't just do what I said when I made eyes at him. That is fine! I can live with that. What I cannot live with is that this person is a bloody firebender – off to go do nefarious firebend-y things in Ba Sing Se.

Smellerbee seemed unfazed by Lee's firebender-y-ness and was still more disgruntled that he had given me the brush off and said things like _as if he can do any better than you!_ I tried to correct her many times, this issue is **not** that he doesn't fancy me. Hell, everybody fancies me! Even I fancy me. I am exceptionally fancy-able! I couldn't give too craps that he doesn't want to be my (boy)friend.

Smellerbee looked confused when I said this and she pointed out that I had spent the entirety of the ferry ride obsessed with Lee. Smellerbee said it was like I took one look at him and went _Wow, he has swords-I have swords. He has a bad attitude- I have a bad attitude – we should be friends! _and I had done what Smellerbee describes as the "Jet equivalent of following him around saying _**be my friend!"**_ Longshot gave me a look that said _you did spent a great deal of time checking out his arse in the queue and it's only natural for Smellerbee and I to assumed….._

To prove to Smellerbee and Longshot how **wrong** their assumption was, I stomped right over to Lee again and gave him a shove and said _Just so you know! I don't fancy you at all!_ Lee was too surprised to shove me back and just looked at me like I was **the weirdest person in the whole world** and turned the Fat Old Man. The Fat Old Man shrugged and looked really confused. Lee looked back at me and shrugged and said "good to know." Which was not the reaction I was expecting. But still -I feel I've made my point.

#

We have all been processed and Lee and the Old Fat Man were assigned the same refugee district as the three of us. We're all going to District 27. All the new refugees are crowded into districts 25- 30. Apparently districts 25, 26, 28, 29 and 30 are equally as crowded as ours, but I find that hard to believe. There are more people here than I have ever seen in my life!

We all must wait in district 27 for further processing – before we can be allowed to move freely through the city. Smellerbee is disheartened, because she was talking to some other people at the shelter and apparently people have been waiting for processing for up to twenty years!

I hate the shelter. It's full of really depressing people.

I hate Lee and his Uncle more though.

They won't have to live at the shelter after tonight. The Fat Old Man has already found them an apartment (through his -probably evil- contacts.) I'm sure these must be evil firebending contacts. Why -for all we know, Lee and the Old Fat Man are part of an elaborate firenation spy ring! Smellerbee thinks I am over-reacting and my spy ring theory is a bit far fetched. Longshot also is looking at me as if he is saying _dude, you just saw a guy with a tea – let it go_.

But I can't let it go.

All I need is proof! Then they will believe me.

#

I am going to keep track of Lee and the Fat Old Man. I followed Lee and the Fat Old Man to their new apartment this morning. The Fat Old Man bought a big vase of flowers for when he entertains 'lady friends'. The Fat Old Man, has in fact, already made a 'Lady Friend' out of the florist. They flirted and tittered and the Fat Old Man said many cheesy/dirty things like she was a _beautiful blossom_ and he _would love to touch her petals_. Lee made a **comically disgusted** face throughout the entire flowery-buying thing.

#

The apartment is a shitty tiny apartment in the tenements just off the Market. It will be noisy and crowded. I don't feel so bad about living in the shelter now. I still miss the forest, but at least I have it better than Lee. He is sharing a tiny apartment with the Fat Old Man.

- and potentially the Fat Old Man's new florist friend.

#

The Fat Old Man has much get-up-and-go and has already been able to avail Lee and himself some jobs in a teashop. This will make them easier to stalk because now they have a job that they have to go to everyday and an apartment – I will always be able to find one of them.

#

The simpering Teashop owner made the Fat Old Man and Lee a cup of tea. The Old Man was disgusted and said it tasted like hot leaf soup. Lee read my mind and said _Uncle – that's what all tea tastes like._ So the Fat Old Man is Lee's uncle. Not his father? Anyway Uncle was appalled that a member of his family does not live for tea as he does. The Uncle has declared the tea undrinkable in its current state and that he and Lee must make some real changes around the shop, before the tea will be fit for human consumption.

#

I have scoped out likely stalking positions around the shop.

Note : never again will I watch from under the windowsill – due to the Fat Old Man's habit of throwing **every nasty thing under the sun** out of the window. Eurgh! What is this thick brown stuff! It is something the old man pulled out of the sink – made a disgusted noise at and then flung out the window. Right onto my best shirt.

#

Uncle hates the tea that the simpering teashop owner makes. Lee hates all tea and cannot taste the difference. The old man is appalled again. He has given Lee a lesson in tea. He made many cups of tea – ones brewed to perfection and ones that "though it pained him" he had brewed incorrectly – so that Lee could taste the difference.

Lee claimed he could, but I doubt this.

#

Scoped out a good position on the roof of the tenement opposite Lee's. I can see right into their apartment from it. Watched them this morning. Lee claimed that he didn't want to go work in a smelly teashop again. The Old Man tried many different ways to get him out of bed. The thing that succeeded was something called the hedgehog song. The old man said _Fine, I am going to sing the __**hedgehog song,**__ and you have until I get to the final chorus to be ready. _Lee tumbled out of bed at lightning speed, pulled on the nearest shirt and said he was ready.

What is this hedgehog song – I know three songs about hedgehogs, but they are all very rude and I cannot imagine the Fat Old Man singing any of them.

Actually, on second thoughts – I can imagine him singing all of them.

#

This morning Smellerbee gave me the '_enough fun and games – it's time to get your shit together'_ speech. They were going out looking for jobs, so that they could earn money and we could get an apartment and move out of the shelter. They wanted me to come with them. I said I'd pass. I had a firebender to stalk.

Longshot and Smellerbee gave each other a look. Then Smellerbee said that they think that stalking Lee is silly and a job would be much more productive use of my time. furthermore, my notion that they are firebenders is ill-founded and ridiculous. I was guilted into job hunting.

#

I went with Smellerbee and Longshot to the market, with the best intentions. I really intended to look for a job. But I saw Lee – so I stalked him instead. It was much more interesting.

Look -the universe is obviously telling me to stalk him, if I keep running into him.

#

Lee knows I am stalking him. I don't know how he knows, but he does. Maybe he saw me. Either way, he confronted me this afternoon.

He went down an alley and, naturally, I followed. I would have only gone into the alley two seconds after Lee, but when I looked in there the alley was empty. I heard a slight noise and I looked up. Just at the second, Lee swung down from a bar that was on the third story – how did he get up there so quickly? It surprised the crap out of me, to be quite honest.

He caught me off guard. He collided with me, with his feet first into my chest. I was winded and on the ground and that's the only reason why he got the upper-hand. He picked me up and he tackled me against the wall and asked me why I was following him.

I was so impressed by the athletic display that I was momentarily silenced. Lee got frustrated and shouted at me to **answer him!** I told him I wasn't following him and it was a free city. I could do what I wanted. Lee said the strangest thing. He said _it's not a free city, Jet. Don't make the mistake of thinking it is._ He dropped me and walked away.

#

Back at the shelter. I spent a long time explaining to Smellerbee and Longshot about the whole thing in the alley with Lee and how badass it was that he climbed up to the third floor in under two seconds and how enigmatic he is. It's not a free city? What does that even mean? I told them that I will have to be more careful with my stalking in the future because Lee is so wily and badass and athletic and enigmatic.

They were not as impressed as I was.

And they kept giving me worried looks.

#

Followed Lee around the market again today. He tried to evade me but there is no such luck. He confronted me again. He was collecting stuff for the teashop. He was less threatening with his arms full of groceries than he was when he had me pushed up against the wall the other night.

Lee asked why I was even following him again. I denied it I was following him. He told me to _please just go away_ in a very posh and very fed up voice. Then he walked a little forward and I followed. He turned around and went _A HA! You are following me!_

I denied it again. He said I couldn't deny it when he had just caught me red handed – or red footed -or whatever. _I was __**literally**__ just following him_. I said whatever, it's a _free city_. I could follow him if I liked. Lee gave me an odd look and said that it was a _bit creepy_ – the following him, and he would appreciate it if I stopped.

I kicked him in the shin and ran away instead.

#

Went to the apartment to wait for Lee and the Fat Old Man to get home. When they returned the Old Man looked a little sheepish and said_ eer nephew, it is five o'clock. You know what happens at five o'clock. _Lee rolled his eyes and said _oh for fuck's sake _and promptly left.

The Old Man waited five minutes and then **took off all his clothes** and wandered around the apartment naked.

For no reason.

He was just naked naked naked.

He drank tea naked, he read a book naked. He made some more tea naked. I wish I did not know this, but I looked up a few times and the nudity continued unabated. The sight has been indelibly burned into my brain!

After about an hour of nudity, Old Man put all his clothes back on. Half an hour later there was a knock on the door. It was Lee. He asked through the door if Uncle was 'decent' and if his Uncle was finished with his **naked time**. Old Man said he was.

Apparently the dirty old man needs some '**naked time' **every few days at five o'clock.

Next time the old man says _it is five o'clock_ in that tone of voice, I am following Lee!

#

Old Man has a rather alarming looking burn scar on his shoulder. I saw it during the _naked time._ While Lee was gone, he had got a bunch of stuff for it. He chopped it all up and made a paste. Old Man frequently offered 'suggestions'. They had a small argument because apparently Lee was crushing some grass wrong or whatever – Lee didn't think he was doing it wrong. A squabble ensued. But eventually a paste was made. Lee helped his Uncle put it on his shoulder.

Curious.

#

Told Smellerbee and Longshot about the burn scar. The wily old firebender probably got it from fighting another firebender. Smellerbee disagrees. She says the fact that both Lee and his Uncle have burn scars is actually something that disproves my _they-are-evil-firebenders_ theory. So many refugees have burn scars – do I think all of them are firebenders?

She says that my whole theory rests on the fact that I saw the old man with a hot cup of tea and that the two of them had burn scars - surely even I could see how ridiculous my theory was. Longshot just gave me a look here. A look that said _you sad sad idiot._

I told them to stop confusing me with their logic.

#

Have taken to stealing Lee's spark rocks – to hurry along the display of firebending. I'm sure that the Old Man can do it and he is so tea obsessed that he needs to heat water all the friggin time. It wont be long before he shows his real colours.

#

That night the Old Man wanted tea, as per usual. Lee did not, as per usual. He says that after working in a teashop all day – the very last thing he wants is more tea. He said this very bitchily. The old man said that he probably just needed a calming tea. Lee said **I don't need any calming tea!**

There was a slight fuss over Lee's mood and which tea would cure it. Eventually Lee said _fuck it – give me some calming tea. _Evidently the only thing that will stop Old Man from suggestion calming tea is if Lee agrees to drink calming tea. But when it came time to make tea - The uncle discovered that there were no spark rocks, he did not do what I had expected. Eg firebend.

The old man borrowed the spark rocks from their neighbor. I am confused.

#

Lee bought more spark rocks at the market today. To replace the ones I pinched. We had another confrontation and he told me to _fuck off_ and _leave him alone_ rather creatively. Lee is getting much more creative with the swearing the longer he is in Ba Sing Se.

#

Did not watch to see if the Uncle firebent tonight. Alarming event happened which discourages me from stalking as usual. The old man came in and announced _it was five o'clock_ and Lee made a disgusted face and made himself scarce again. I followed Lee.

He just wandered round the city and didn't do anything interesting. But when he got back home, he was accosted by several neighbours who all had the same request. _Could he please tell the nasty old man to put some clothes on! Everybody could see!_

#

Have just witnessed a hilariously awkward **will you just put your clothes on!** conversation. Stalking Lee is worth it just to see shit like this.

Lee exhausted every polite euphemism for 'naked' in the entire universe. People did not wish to see his Uncle unclothed, without garments, in his birthday suit etc. People especially didn't want to see Uncle's **twig and giggleberries **bouncing about while Uncle did the _dance of the bare-arsed man._ They were in a heavily populated area and many people could see into the flat. All of those people and Lee would appreciate it if Uncle could refrain from nudity in the future.

Uncle has elected to think on this proposal.

#

Have now stolen the spark rocks again. I took extra precautions and also took them from neighbours on both sides of Lee's apartment. Just in case. Someone in this tenement is going to have to do some firebending now!

#

Uncle is most perplexed that the spark rocks have gone again. Lee said he would go to the market and get some more. The Old Man went to inquire with the neighbours and found that they both were missing their spark rocks as well.

A Ha!

It was show time!

But right at that instant, I heard a coughing noise behind me.

Friggin Lee!

As silent as a shadow, he had crept up behind me on the roof. He was right behind me and had slipped his hand into my pocket (I didn't even feel it) and pinched the spark rocks.

That wily, sticky fingered pickpocket!

I always knew he'd make a good thief. I knew I couldn't trust Lee as far I could throw him.

He said cockily, that he would like his spark rocks back. And bounced off all pleased with himself.

#

I have decided to abandon the spark rock pinching plan. Lee gave his Uncle the spark rocks. Uncle went to give these back to the neighbours. When he was gone Lee gave me the Vs through the window.

Boo!

I will have to scout out another stalking location now!

#

Told Smellerbee and Longshot about the spark rock episode and how Lee put his hand in my pocket and I didn't even feel it! It was kind of awesome. Even though Lee is not at all awesome because he is living is a stinking, dirty, naked firebender.

But that whole _hand in the pocket_ thing was pretty badass.

Smellerbee and Longshot were not as impressed. They do that thing where they communicate by just looking at each other and then turned to me in unison and said that they were **worried** about me. I was getting _unhealthily obsessed_ with Lee and his sticky fingers and his hand in my pocket.

I said that if she'd had Lee's hand in her pocket – she would understand!

We had our usual squabble regarding jobs and their desire for me to get one. I said something unkind because they have been looking everyday for ages now and have been unable to find anything and what good will it do for me to waste my time in that fashion.

Especially when the reward that General Fong was offering for finding war criminals would pay our way for the rest of our lives.

When I got proof, we wouldn't even need jobs. We would have to be able to tie up Lee and the Fat Old Man… and I dunno…drag them all the way to Fong's fortress – but then we could collect our reward! I'd still share it with Smellerbee and Longshot despite how unhelpful they've been.

Smellerbee was very unenthusiastic about the idea of dragging the Fat Old Man through the desert to the coast – as he looks very heavy and seems harmless to Smellerbee. She told me to back it up. First I thought that Lee and the Fat Old Man were just firebenders and now I was saying they were war criminals .

All firebenders are war criminals – doesn't Smellerbee know that?

#

Found new stalking postion. My view into Lee's apartment is obscured a bit, but I can still see what is going on. And I can tell that the kid in the apartment next to Lee's is really sick. The walls are paper thin and I think everyone in the whole tenement block can hear this kid cough and snuffle and wheeze.

The Old Man has made friends with the mother from all the sparkrock borrowing. The mother is at her wits end and the Nasty Dirty Old Man took advantage of that and invited himself over to cook lunch for her and the boy. On his day off, while Lee was at work. so it was just the two of them after wheezy went to sleep.

He made her a large lunch – and she will have enough leftovers for dinner. The woman left some near the window sill. My mouth was watering and it was all I could do not to go and pinch it. But that woman is in a worse spot that we are and I didn't want to steal from her. The Uncle made her many teas and listened to her woes and said that he would try to help her out as best he could. He said patronizingly that this world would be a better place if we all helped each other after all.

#

Follow Lee around the market again today. We had another confrontation. But I could tell he wasn't into it today. He had big bags under his eyes and seemed really tired. Probably from getting no sleep on account of Sicky Mc-Coughs-a-lot. He just said that _I was a sad, strange person_ and _I really needed a new hobby._

Then he said that we should play a game called _fuck off now Jet._

I aim to be as terrible at this game as humanly possible. I am not going anywhere until I've got my proof.

#

The Uncle's shoulder is paining him again. But they have run out of that nasty paste looking thing. The Uncle said that the only thing that would make him feel better is more tea – Lee made him his favourite without:

1)bitching or

2) ruining it by pouring the boiling water all over the leaves.

Lee normally **ruins tea,** but he is learning. This was the first cup he had made that was, according to his Uncle – absolutely perfect.

Lee smiled for the tiniest fraction of a second.

His smile weirds me out.

#

Finally Lee did something interesting!

Last night, around midnight – I was just getting ready to go home - I saw Lee get up silently. He first checked that the Uncle was asleep and then he sneaked out in that sneaky way he does.

He was all dressed in black and had that the _I'm up to something_ look about him.

Well, he always looks like _he is up to something_. But he looked especially _up to something _right now. I followed. He moved swiftly over the rooftops and it was really hard to keep up with him. Good thing I'm still so agile from all the tree climbing I had to do – so I could manage. Up on the highest roof, nearest the wall into the 22nd district – Lee suddenly took a big run up and leapt. He landed well on top of the wall and didn't even break his stride and jumped again from the wall into the 22nd district. I hesitated and then lost my nerve to make the jump. It was just a _touch_ too far.

Lee might be a possible dirty firebender – but he has balls of solid steel. I respect that.

I contented myself with watching him. He didn't go very far – just to the roof of the 22nd district hospital.

Ah – now shit made sense.

He was in and out in under seven minutes. Then he started that whole roof jumping thing he does again and was back home before the old man had even noticed a thing.

#

Lee gave his Uncle the new paste for his shoulder. It is top quality stuff. (The 22nd is a wealthier district after all). Uncle was instantly suspicious of its origins. Lee was really obviously shady about his night time activities. He is a terrible liar. The old Man said that as a prudent man – he probably didn't want to know where it came from – but he hoped Lee was being careful.

Then Lee surprised the old man and pulled another three jars from the bag. They were all various treatments for the boy next door. The one who coughs through the night. Lee wanted his Uncle to give them to the boy. He thought it would be weird if he did it and Uncle knew the mother.

The Uncle looked at Lee like he was _the most adorable little duckling_ in the pond and tried to give him a big hug. Lee was stiff an awkward about this and told the Uncle _not to carry on like a wet hen_. He just got it so the kid would stop keeping them all awake.

#

The Uncle gave the mother the medicine that night – when he came home from work. He invited himself over to dinner again. The boy drank some liquid, had some cream rubbed into his chest and there was an oil that was put into steaming water (No firebending this time either – But the Uncle made a fire for the mother to boil the water over really quickly). The boy felt much better from all the treatments and fell asleep without wheezing for the first time in days.

The mother was overjoyed and made out with the Uncle.

It was gross.

#

Today had another confrontation with Lee. It was a little different than our normal script. Normally Lee tells me to fuck off and stop following him and I deny that I am following him. Today, Lee turned round an alley. When I followed, he leapt out at me and grabbed me and slammed me against a wall again and tried to punch me in the face.

But he held back when he saw it was me.

He actually said, sounding almost relieved _oh it's only you_– like he was expecting that he was being stalked by someone worse and I paled in comparison to them.

Only me?

What the fuck does that mean. I could be Lee's worst nightmare thank-you-very-much. I asked him, disgruntled _how many other people do you think are stalking you?_

Lee didn't answer my question, but let me go and smirked and started to walk away. He said as he was leaving – _at least you've admitted that you're stalking me now. Admittance is the first step to recovery Jet!_

I took _too long_ to think of a witty comeback and Lee had left.

Bloody Lee! Thinks he's so bloody clever!

#

Have ranted about Lee to the point that Smellerbee and Longshot do not want to hear anymore about him and all the witty comeback I **would have said** to him – had I thought of them at the time. I ranted about Lee and how he thinks he's so clever at length. Then something alarming happened. Smellerbee delicately asked if I was like…crushing on Lee. She said it gently. Like she didn't want to hurt my feelings.

I was aghast! I do not fancy Lee! What the fuck. Smellerbee outlined her (ridiculous, erroneous) point. I hadn't made out with a girl since** sexy bossy Katara**. I spent every waking minute following Lee, or talking about Lee or obsessing about Lee and **it wasn't healthy.** Longshot looked at me in a way that pointed out that if I think the Uncle is a firebender I should be concentrating my efforts on him, not Lee.

Longshot also thinks I have a big gay crush on lee.

#

Did not stalk Lee today. To shut Smellerbee and Longshot up about my imaginary gay crush.

#

Smeller and Longshot said they were going to "job hunt" again today. As soon as they were gone I went to stalk Lee a bit. Imagine my surprise when Smellerbee and Longshot turned up at Lee's teashop. They lied to me! They were not going job hunting at all.

They were fraternizing with the enemy!

They didn't have any money- but the Fat Old Man gave them some tea on the house. Because they looked like they needed it.

It made me look at them differently – the way the Uncle said that. They were both looking much thinner. True we haven't been eating that well at the refugee centre – but things weren't that bad were they? I mean we aren't _charity cases_ at all! And I resented the old man's insinuation that we were.

Smeller and Longshot enjoyed many cups of free tea until Lee had a break. They wanted to talk to him and went out the back of the shop. I could not overhear and I am most frustrated by this.

#

Horrifying turn of events!

Stalked Lee in the market again today. Abruptly he stopped and I nearly collided with him. He said _we need to talk_ and then he dragged me into an alley. They say that _I am gay for Lee_ – but he is the one who is always dragging me into alleys and pressing me against walls and leaping out at me from strange, occasionally high places.

We were in the alley but Lee wasn't trying to fight me. He was being weird and awkward. Awkwardly weird. He crossed his arms, uncrossed them, crossed them again and gave a big sigh and looked beseechingly at the sky. He looked really embarrassed even before he started speaking. He cleared his throat and told me that Smellerbee and Longshot had been to see him and that had told him something that made him understand the stalking a bit more.

Where was Lee going with this?

_Look Jet, I think you're….a really nice guy?_ he stated, obviously lying. He said really nice guy like it was a question. I interrupted and said _what! No you don't! you hate me._ Lee said _fine! that was true_! but the "letting someone down gently" conversation always starts with something positive, according to Smellerbee.

What was Lee talking about?

He looked really awkward and said _fuck it! This is too embarrassing_ and he reached in his pocket and pulled out some paper. It was **a how to let jet down gently guide.** Smellerbee had written it for him, if he "got lost" in this conversation.

**What The Actual Fuck! **

Smellerbee and Longshot have told Lee their ridiculous theory - that I have a big fat gay crush on him. According to Smellerbee, I was angry that he rejected me when I asked him to join my band of _merry men. _The way Lee said _merry men_ made it sound like the gayest thing ever! Smellerbee explained that I stalked because I still held out hope that Lee would come around and join them, and Lee needed to let me down gently and nicely (not rudely like before) so I could **get over it** and **move on.**

Lee has now **let me down gently.**

He read from the sheet of paper mostly – in the most awkward fashion imaginable. The speech came complete with stammering and yammering and awkward shuffling. I could tell Smellerbee had written **all of this**. Apparently, I am a nice guy, and Lee was flattered that I saw fit to stalk him everywhere, But Lee was not into guys.

Then I think Lee went off script because he dropped the paper and started rambling that he wasn't saying there was anything wrong with being into guys and the right guy was out there for me somewhere. If I was into guys then that was fine, and maybe I should find another guy who was into guys and we could do _whatever two guys do together._

**But Lee was not that guy! **He was most emphatic about this.

I got most irate and told Lee that I wasn't into guys and just a few months ago I was fucking an unbelievably hot waterbending chick.

Did not actually get that far with Katara – but I would have, given time. Anyway Lee did not need to know any of this – all he needed to know was that I was into hot waterbending girls! Not tall (possible) firebender boys with good posture and posh accents!

Lee made an odd face at me when I mentioned fucking waterbenders. He said _really?_ a little skeptically. What is with the skeptiscim!

It is true!

And he could ask stupid, meddling Smellerbee if he did not believe me. Lee shrugged and said I could hardly blame him for being skeptical when I came off _as camper than a row of tents._

What the hell!

Lee said that if I kept going up to boys I had just met and asked them to join my merry men – like I did with Lee on the ferry – then I could hardly be surprised that people started assuming things about me. I said _Oh for the fucking last time! I am not gay and even if I was, I wouldn't fancy you – not with your face all messed up with that huge ugly scar!_

It was a low blow, I know.

It is, in fact, the meanest thing I think I've ever said to someone's face.

Lee's scar is huge and I reckon he must be self conscious about it. You can't not notice it. People either a)recoil from it and make some comment like _What the fuck happened your face? _B) stare at it aghast and revolted c) look _anywhere _but at his face and act really awkward about it. The look Lee gave me right then - a split second expression of hurt – made me feel like I was the meanest person in the world.

Then his face got angry and he gave me a huge shove. Lee got very cross and said that **I should bloody well fuck off** and why was I even stalking him then? I said I certainly wasn't stalking him for his _tight behind_ and _conversation skills!_ No I was stalking him because he either was a firebender or he was colluding with his Old Fat Uncle of a firebender.

All I needed was some proof and then they'd both be in so much trouble.

Lee told me to **go fuck myself** and stormed off. I shouted back I already did! It was the first thing that popped into my head. I thought it was a witty comeback, but it's not. Lee turned to give me a derisive look and gave me the Vs and then he was gone.

#

Had a shout at Smellerbee and Longshot.

What the hell were they thinking, telling Lee that I fancied him. Seriously!

Smellerbee and Longshot sat me down and said that they knew it was very disappointing that Lee did not want to join us and they knew I had been saddened by him rejecting me, but stalking him was no way to get him to change his mind/make a friend.

I do not want to make friends with Lee!

Even if I did, I don't think that would be possible after today.

#

I have decided to take a break from stalking Lee. Smellerbee and Longshot are pleased by this development. I still want them to keep tabs on Lee – and they are less pleased by this. But they think that my reluctance to stalk him is a good step forward and have acquiesced. Smellerbee is on first shift.

* * *

-Smellerbee's notes-

Dear Jet and Jet's stalker Diary.

This is **stupid. **Just so you know.

#

So I am sitting in this stupid teashop Jet, watching Lee while he serves tea. I am not going to stand in the rain to watch Lee when I can stalk just as well from in here.

#

Just told Lee I was stalking him for you and he rolled his eyes. Lee is also pissed off at me about the whole _letting you down gently_ thing – so you are not the only one who's annoyed about that. Lee asked me if you really _did it_ with a waterbending girl. I told him the truth – you hadn't got that far with her and then you guys had fight and she kicked your arse and froze you to a tree and we had to chip you out over several hours.

Really Jet, if **Bossy Sexy Katara** finds out you're spreading rumors like that about her – she is going to do way more than freeze you to a tree my friend – and I wont be chipping you out this time.

Anyway Lee smirked when I told him you hadn't fucked her and he said _I thought as much._

#

Stalking is boring. Lee has just served tea all morning and I just don't see how you fill your time with this Jet.

#

Stalking just got more interesting.

This chick with huge boobs came in and has spent the last 15 minutes shamelessly flirting with Lee. But he doesn't seem to understand. She keeps asking him what he's doing after work and he keeps acting shiftier and edging away from _miss flirty_ with _her big breasts._

Maybe he is gay!

You're in luck Jet!

#

Oops.

So - he's not gay, he's just socially awkward. My mistake. Sorry Jet.

#

How do you stand this Jet? It's lunch time and if I have to watch one more plate of delciousness go past I will just explode.

#

The lady next to me got this huge plate of dumplings and I just literally felt my mouth water and spent a great deal of time staring at them.

#

Man opposite just got noodle soup. Oh I would kill for noodle soup.

#

Man on other side just go chow mein! I would kiss the dirtiest part of the ground for some chow mein.

#

Lee came over and said that I had to stop staring people down while they ate and I had to stop staring at their food like I expected it to run away. Apparently I am_ giving people the creeps._ I said that I could do what I want. Lee rolled his eyes and said he _could tell I was related to you_. I was going to correct him but I figure what's the point.

Lee said that I should just get some lunch- I had the posture of a feral pigmy puma and the staring was losing them business and I hadn't ordered a tea in over an hour and Lee could kick me out if he wanted.

Lee is a bitch!

I told him that if he _hadn't eaten a hot meal in two weeks-_ _he'd stare down someone's chow mein too._

Lee flustered off embarrassed after that.

#

Oh my goodness!

_I totally understand the stalking now Jet!_

Like seriously!

I'm going to stalk Lee every day after this.

He just came back, a bit sheepish, and put the biggest plate of dumplings in front of me and said it was _on the house but that had to stay between us. _ He's given me a free refill and set the table nicely for me – like I'm a posh person.

I totally get why you stalk him now!

Why didn't you say anything about free dumplings!

#

Lee just came back and cleared away the plate and awkwardly asked me a few questions. Like where were we staying, did any of us have jobs, how we were getting money etc. before you get pissy, he wasn't asking in a judgmental way. He just seemed a little worried.

#

Longshot has come and joined me with the stalking. He has been unsuccessful in his job hunt and is a bit bummed out.

#

Oh _big breasts_ just left! After staying for like two hours! – you've got **competition** on **the stalking front** Jet!

#

Lee brought Longshot dumplings as well – because Longshot also has feral posture. Longshot and I have talked about it and we are going to stay here until Lee stops feeding us. Lee would periodically threaten to kick us out – but he never actually did.

#

We stayed til closing time. Then because we felt like we should say thanks for the free food – we helped Lee close up and do the sweeping.

Before you get your panties in a twist Jet, this is not "colluding with the enemy!" We were just being polite.

Anyway while we were cleaning the Old Man started talking to us. Evidently he and Lee had been talking because he already knew about our job situation.

Uncle offered that the baker who made their dumplings was looking for an apprentice, if I was interested. The baker was a kind man. They pay wasn't fantastic, but fat Uncle was sure he wouldn't mind if I took all the unsold dumplings at the end of the day.

Free dumplings Jet!

A Job!

Don't be mad – but I said yes. We really need jobs okay and we really need to at least try to make a fresh start.

And those Dumplings are bloody good.

Fat Uncle suggested Pai sho tile making for Longshot. Longshot's arrow fletching skills would be adaptable to making Pai sho tiles and other game pieces. Fat Uncle also knew a game maker who was looking for a little extra help because his sight was failing him. Longshot is amenable to the idea.

So Fat Uncle walked us to his Game-making friend and his Baker friend and now Longshot and I both have jobs!

Anyway – I know you are probably pissed off right now. But just take three deep breaths and really think about this Jet. This is a good thing for us okay! So don't go off the deep end.

You're weird stalking habit came good in the end and now we have jobs.

We can start new lives at last.

So don't be too mad.

0o0o0o0o0o0

* * *

Not much rambling because this was just a spot of ridiculousness.

So Jet has bisexual tendencies and Smellerbee and Longshot know this. Watch their Ba Sing Se scenes again thinking this and it makes it all a bit hilarious. Zuko and Uncle must also know that Jet is stalking them – how else do you explain the spark rocks thing? The shameless big breasted flirt that Smellerbee is writing about is Jin. Also Ba Sing Se is divided into districts - radiating from the centre out. "fresh off the boat" refugees are in the very outer ring (districts 25 -30). Uncle Iroh's shoulder is still hurt from when Azula shot him with lightning.

I have planned out more for this – going up to when Jet gets arrested. But I thought I'd post this now, to help tide everybody over until I post the first NSFZ chapter.

Also this will fit in with the stalking universe. Things are going to be...interesting, when Zuko and Jet meet post-war.

Til then lovelies.


	2. chicks totally dig me

Jet's escalating obsession

#

**What The Actual Fuck!**

You had one job Smellerbee! One job!

Just One Job!

Stalk Lee in secret and report your findings in this book.

Instead she has: sat in a teashop for six hours and told Lee openly that she was stalking him. Made many snarky comments in this book. Laughed about my sexual prowess with Lee. Taken his free dumplings and free tea and accepted help from the old man!

I don't even care that she has now found her oh-so-precious job now, Smellerbee is a traitor for this.

I know that free food is the way to Smellerbee's heart, but seriously! For all she knew, Lee and the Fat Uncle could have been coming up with some evil firebender plot to do something really evil to her. That is what firebenders do! It is all that they do!

Now we are indebted to fucking firebenders!

What the fuck are they thinking! How can they accept the help of firebenders! Aren't they ashamed of themselves! After everything the firenation did to us! You do not turn around and take hot dumplings from a firebender! They aren't even bothered by this at all. No, they are actually happy! They have left to _go have breakfast at Lee's _before they both start work and I am disgusted at the two of them right now.

-!-

I went and confronted Lee this afternoon. He was on his break out the back. I grabbed him by the collar and took him by surprise. This time_ I_ pulled_ him_ into an alley. I said something like: _what the fuck are you doing -you jerkarse bumface! Giving my crew free food and jobs and shit! You had no right!_ I said that he was trying undermined my authority with Smellerbee and Longshot and it was **petty!** Did he want to take my crew and make them follow him round like stray pygmy pumas! Hasn't the firenation taken enough from me!

Lee had a shout back at me. He said what he was meant to do when Smellerbee looked **so hungry **and that I was being ridiculous and over-reacting to the crime of free dumplings. Furthermore I had to tell Smellerbee and Longshot that they couldn't get anymore free food out of Lee because he had gotten into real trouble with his boss after they showed up for breakfast. The Teashop wasn't a charity after all.

I shoved him – he shoved me. We had a small shoving match – but Lee suddenly backed away and crossed his arms said that he had something to say to me and I needed to not be psychopath for like two minutes and listen. I made a cheeky comment about how he must be about to **let me down gently** again (still pissed off about that) and Lee sighed rolled his eyes and said _fine, I give up._

But that's a lie because he didn't give up. He came back abruptly and told me I could go fuck myself. I had it really good and if I couldn't see that – then I was an idiot as well as a psycho. What the fuck? I have it good? I'm living in a refugee centre. I have nothing at the moment. Lee said I was wrong and I had Longshot and Smellerbee.

Then he started on a totally different tangent about responsibility. He said that **I had a responsibility to Longshot and Smellerbee** and I was failing at it. I had to take care of them and be fair to them. They both loved me and would follow me anywhere and I really needed to get my priorities straight.

I wasn't going to stand for a lecture on **fucking responsibility** from a **fucking firebender!** I took care of a forest full of orphans! I don't need Lee to tell me what my priorities should be!

I thought that this could have been **the most ridiculous moment of my life.**

But then something even more ridiculous happened.

A tigerdillo ran straight past us and into the main street.

Legit. A friggin tigerdillo.

Lee and I both exchanged a confused glance (the first non-hostile exchange for the day). Seriously, who expects a tigerdillo to run past them in an alley on the 27th district? Just to make the afternoon weirder - A veritable cavalcade of ferocious wild animals came bursting down the street! Like there was a legit giant platypus bear right in the middle of the 27th district market!

A kid shrieked and I looked up and the tigerdillo had her cornered. I burst into action and ran over to the meat stall and picked up the biggest steak and flung it at the tigerdillo. That got its attention. It turned from the girl and gobbled the steak in one second flat. Then it looked up at me – as the source of the steak- with a really hungry look in its eyes.

I'm not going to lie – **that scared the shit out of me.**

I'm pretty good at fighting people, but I have no idea what to do with a wild, hungry tigerdillo. I reached for my swords anyway as it padded towards me. Suddenly Lee jumped between me and the tigerdillo. He hand what suspiciously looked like a table leg with a rag tied around it in his hand. He lit the rag in one of the lanterns and it caught instantly and then it was a flaming torch. He waggled it at the tigerdillo and the tigerdillo roared but then scampered away.

We both breathed a sigh of relief. There was a brief moment that could almost be (horrifyingly) mistake for bonding.

So I ruined that moment good and proper!

I made a sarcastic comment about how of course a firebender would resort to fire when dealing with wild animals. Lee said_ all animals are scared of fire – you fucking genius. _We heard a shriek from down the street – a group of girls had been cornered by the tigerdillo , because Lee had scared it off so decisively from the market with his little fiery stick thing. I couldn't help myself. I said _who's the fucking genius now, assface?_

Lee threw me a look that said _you annoy me more than words can possibly say_ and then pelted after the thing like an** idiot**. Not to be outdone in the heroics department by a fucking firebender of all people, I grabbed some more steaks from the meat market and followed him.

He'd put himself between the tigerdillo and the girls and was trying to scare it up the street. I joined him and then threw the steaks back up the street behind it. It pelted off in that direction. It chowed down on them at lightning speed. Then the tigerdillo turned around and ran back to us again.

Lee looked at me like I was a moron and told me _I had to stop feeding it because now it would associate me with delicious snacks and would keep coming back_. Not that Lee would mind if it ate me – but if it ate one of the girls, he was going to be pissed off. The girls all made swoony faces at Lee, in response to this chivalry. (The swoony looks went ignored by him – maybe he is gay?)

He gave me a worried look because the tigerdillo had us cornered and this really wasn't good. But then just as suddenly as this weird random and bizarre herd of animals came – they all left. Like, legit, the tigerdillo put his head up and looked like he was listening closely – they he ran off in the other direction. For no apparent reason.

We popped out heads out of the little nook, but had to jump back in quickly because the rest of the tigerdillo's friends were storming past. The most oddly assorted herd I have ever seen has stampeded the market. The herd has now disappeared down the street.

Well that was suitably** bizarre** and** random** and **ridiculous.** Lee, the girls and I all felt a bit dazed and confused – had that really just happened?

Like **What The Actual Fuck? **

I turned to the girls and saw that they were all young and cute. So I turned on the charm **hardcore.** I introduced myself and bowed to all of them and asked in my most debonair voice _are you ladies alright?_ Lee might have **let me down gently,** but I'm sure none of these girls would. Lee made a revolted little snort, but most of the girls tittered happily and I laid it on thick and kissed their hands and did all that shit that girls like.

I had all of them (except one) eating out of my hand. This one was much more interested in Lee and she sidled on up to him and asked _so what's your name cutie?_ in a very flirtatious voice. Then she practically stuck her boobs in his face for good measure – that's how far she was sticking them out.

Lee is so socially awkward when there are boobs in his face. **It is hilarious.** He's not scared of tigerdillos, but he can't handle boobs. He doesn't know what to do with them. I could practically see his brain thinking _Boobs in my face -should I look? No, don't look- it's not polite. But they're right there! And they're boobs! _He hadn't actually answered the question and just stammered _I…errr…I'm…._ It was like he had forgotten his own name. Boobs Mcgee said it was okay and she liked the silent type.

Just at that point Lee's boss appeared and said _Lee! There you are! Where have you been? Your break finished 20 minutes ago. _Lee blithered about tigerdillos and herds of wild animals and the boss glanced around the now decisively animal free street, then gave him a look that said _bitch, you been at the cactus juice?_ Boss didn't say anything, but just gestured for Lee to follow him – which Lee did. Boobs McGee followed them – but the rest of the ladies and me had a fine time.

The ladies took me to a noodleshop to buy me some noodles as a thank-you for my daring heroics. I told them many more of my daring heroics and my adventures as a freedom fighter and they were eating it up. Chicks totally dig me and that whole badass freedom fighter, living in the trees, taking care of kids and generally being heroic thing I've got going.

They all fancied me – oh yeah! **Everybody fancies me!** I wish Lee could have been here and not working in the teashop so that he could see both how** fancy-able** and how **not gay** I am.

I picked the one I wanted. Can't remember her name now, but she was hot – brownish hair and a great arse. I am a bit of an arse-man myself. She worked as a seamstress. She felt really bad for me – having to live in the refugee centre. She was very soothing and took to cuddling me. She reminded me a bit of **Bossy, Sexy Katara** actually, what with the way she was all _poor baby – let me kiss it better for you._ At the end of the evening, we bid her friends goodbye and went back to her place and shagged twice before she rolled over and said she had to sleep – because she had work the next day.

The weirdest thing was that after shagging I just felt so lonely and sad. I normally feel great after shagging.

I don't know why I feel this way.

What am I even doing here in this city?

#

Smellerbee was beside herself when I turned up at the shelter – because I had been gone all day yesterday. She works early mornings and finishes at midday and she had come home yesterday and I was nowhere to be found. She had freaked out and panicked and had been exceptionally worried about me. She was worried that I had "gone off the deep end" and "done something stupid". I hugged her and soothed her. I told her about the tigerdillo and how I was shagging Great Arse last night – I hadn't abandoned them. Smellerbee hugged me back so tightly and I felt a little guilty for worrying her so. Longshot came back much later and nodded at me in acknowledgement and relief. He gave me a look that said _you worry us like that again and you and I are going to have some words._

_#_

I walked Smellerbee to work with Longshot this morning. I know she's a badass and she thinks she can take care of her self – but this city is **really rough** at four in the morning, not to mention there is the possibility of random tigerdillo attacks.

I do have to take care of them better.

After longshot went to work – I spent the day looking for jobs.

#

Job hunt unsuccessful. There is just nothing I could imagine I would enjoy doing for eight hours a day. So I fell back on my old habit and stalked Lee again.

#

Stalking Lee cheered me up immensely.

Tonight he got sexiled by his Uncle.

I take comfort in the fact that Lee's life is worse than mine.

I'm getting a shag. His uncle's getting a shag. But who is shagging Lee? No one! that's right bitch!

His Uncle was entertaining a lady friend (the mother from next door) and he wanted Lee out of the apartment as soon as possible. Lee protested because he was tired, but his Uncle said that it was no use and he and his lady friend wanted to _do it_ in every room and on every surface. I do not know if the old man was joking because there are only two rooms and one of those surfaces is Lee's bed.

Lee made a disgusted face and left.

#

Took off after Lee, because I am not staying to watch old people sex. That is too gross. Caught up with him in the market. We played our usual game. Lee said something like _will you just fuck off already Jet_ and I said something like _whatever, I do what I want_.

But I dunno what happened tonight. We went way off script.

I mean yesterday -with the tigerdillo- he really helped me out. He didn't' have to. And it's just weird. Why would he help me? Why not just let me get eaten? Anyway Lee should act more like an** evil firebender **because life is confusing enough as it is.

Ended up just flat out asking him why he helped me. He rolled his eyes and said that I was making him regret that and he only did it because he was obviously mentally deficient in some way. I said _your words, not mine. _ And there was a quiet moment where we didn't ….like hate each other.

Were we …bonding?

Oh hell no!

That is disgusting!

I said as much and Lee expressed equal disgust at the thought that we had anything in common. I said that I was more disgusted than he was. In fact I was so disgusted that I wanted to vomit repeatedly until I had nothing left to vomit up and then I would eat something just so I could vomit some more. Lee gave me a weird look. Well, it's the one that he normally gives me – so I am getting used to it. It is combination of confusion and irritation. He said the_ feeling_ was mutual, but he would leave the_ vomiting_ up to me and stomped off in that stompy way of his.

#

So last night, at some point between all the crazy old person shagging – the Mother gave the Fat Uncle a thank you card. From her son. I snuck in a got a look at it – so I know it has a shit drawing of a platypus bear (why a platypus bear? This is a mystery that is only know by Wheezy mcCoughs-a-lot). It says:

_To the Fat Man and the Young Man next door_

_Thank you Very Very Much for the potions. _

_I feel better now. _

_Hau_ (which must be Wheezy Mc Coughs-a-lot's actual name)

Anyway the crappy quality of the drawing didn't faze Lee this morning. He keep looking at it when his Fat Uncle's back was turned. I mean he pretended he wasn't bothered by it when his Uncle put it on the table - but when his Uncle had his back turned, he snatched it, read it and smile slightly and put it back.

His smile still creeps me out.

#

So Boobs McGee from the other day – the day with the tigerdillo – is also stalking Lee. It is most annoying. I take comfort in the fact that she is **totally crap at it** and has opted for the Smellerbee school of stalking. She just sits in the teashop for hours on end and makes goo goo eyes at Lee – which he is oblivious too. She is very interested in lee whenever he brings her tea and asks him many questions. Lee seems a bit creeped out by her to be honest.

Am glad.

#

Smellerbee and Longshot just got their first pay checks. They want to go have a proper meal at Lee's shop (meaning a meal that they actually pay for). They plan on leaving a large tip to say thanks to Lee and the Fat Old Man. I was originally very against this idea, for all the obvious reasons. But then I realized that if I went – then Lee would have to wait on me hand and foot.

Yeah – serve me bitch!

I like the idea of that.

#

Smellerbee and Longshot were a bit apprehensive about me coming along and they actually made me promise to behave myself. I know how to behave myself thank you very much!

See the thing is – Smellerbee and Longshot and Lee all think_ I am gay for Lee._ **I am so not!** It's like not even funny how **not-gay** he makes me!

It's not like I fantasize about tying him up and doing kinky things to him. No, when I fantasize about tying Lee up – it is to drag him to Fong's fortress like the dirty, wily, sneaky, firebender he is. And if he begs for mercy along the way – I can totally live with that!

Anyway I know how not gay I am – but I felt like I really had to prove it. To both Lee and Smellerbee and Longshot. So I asked Smellerbee and Longshot if I could bring my new **girl**friend. That'd show them all. Smellerbee was cool with it (well she was a bit too excited to tell the truth). Longshot was less cool with it. He gets paid more and so he was stumping up for this dinner. Also he looked at me like he doubted the existence of this girlfriend.

Au contraire, my friend – she does exist. And I shall prove her existence and my sexuality in one fell swoop.

#

I took Smellerbee and Longshot to Great Arse's flat. Haven't spoken to Great Arse since our shagging – so I picked some flowers from the park as a peace-offering (and also to lay the groundwork for more shagging later). Chicks love flowers and shit and Great Arse is no different.

Great Arse was originally a bit pissed off to see me, because we had apparently made a date and I had stood her up (don't remember making a date with her because I was in a rush to stalk Lee that morning). I tried apologizing – I normally do _the say the chick's name in my debonair voice, look deep into her eyes and apologize_ thing. It works like a charm. No girl can resist me saying their name in my debonair voice while I stare deeply into their eyes.

Okay the only person it hasn't worked on was **Bossy Sexy Katara** – after the whole Dam debacle – but other than that – the debonair voice has never failed me.

This plan was foiled because I realized that I couldn't remember her name – so I just took to calling her dollface – which she seemed to like. I gave her the flowers which she liked even more- I invited her out to dinner to make up for forgetting our date previously, and told her I wanted her to meet my friends. Dollface thinks that meeting the friends is a big step in "our relationship" and she was most pleased and agreed to come.

#

So dinner didn't go quite as planned.

It got off to a rocky start when Lee sat us down and gave me a very pointed death stare. It was super noticeable because he was at least polite to Smellerbee and Longshot and Dollface – but he looked at me like **he was stabbing me in his mind**. He asked what I was doing here and I said I had come so that he could _fucking serve me!_ Lee rolled his eyes and stomped off.

Dollface gave me a look and said being rude to the wait staff was a really unattractive quality in a boyfriend. She said it in a scolding tone. Oh what the fuck ever. Lee is not normal wait staff – I make exceptions for Lee. It's not like I normally go round being rude as all get out to waiters. Dollface humphed at me.

Lee went to ask Boss if he could kick me out and Boss quite audibly said no – because we were a table of four customers and the teashop liked customers in general. Lee stomped back and brought our menus. Smellerbee and Dollface and Longshot all agreed to share a teapot – because it is easier for the staff. I wasn't about to make Lee's job any easier- so I made my order as ridiculously complicated as possible. Dollface, Smellerbee and Longshot all apologized to Lee on my behalf for my behavior.

When Lee came back with drinks (I'm pretty sure he spat in mine) I made a big ho-ha over Dollface. I put my arm around her shoulder – so that Lee would see that she was with me and she was my girlfriend and I was completely and totally **not gay for him.** I tried to introduce her, but that is where shit got really awkward.

I didn't actually get that far into my introduction. I just got as far as _by the way Lee, this is my girlfriend_….. and that awkward gap where her name would have been appeared. The silence got longer and longer and became really awkward and embarrassing. I had to come up with a name, but I really could think of it at all. I eventually settled on saying _Dollface with a great arse._

Dollface turned to me, irate, and asked if I even knew what her name was. I did not, but I said that Dollface with a great arse was a compliment and she shouldn't be offended. I got treated to a lecture on how that was sexist and how I was objectifying her etc.

Lee did not fuck off like a good waiter should when there's _a domestic_ between two people at a table. Instead he watched me be harangued by Dollface with the most amused look on his face. He was grinning to himself like this was the funniest shit he'd seen all day.

Dollface said that the only qualities about her I noticed were her physical attributes and this is unacceptable. I had to tell her what else I liked about her – or she was leaving right now! I took her hand and kissed it and then said _what else is there?_ in the debonair voice.

It was the first thing that popped into my head and I thought it was witty – but it really wasn't. The debonair voice normally makes everything sound suave. But the debonair voice didn't save me in this instant.

Dollface jerked her hand out of mine and slapped me right across the face. She stood up to leave and called me a friggin jerk. She was about to storm off, but then she noticed Lee still standing there with the tea. Dollface actually smiled at him and tried to continue their disastrous introduction. She said _it was nice to meet you Lee, my name is Ling._ Then she winked at him and continued her storm off.

Okay it is one thing to slap me, but it is an entirely different matter to slap me and then flirt with Lee on the way out.

#

We left not long after. Smellerbee scolded me like I was a naughty child (this is why we can't go out for dinner, this is why we can't have nice things etc). Longshot "apologized" on my behalf to Lee. Well he gave Lee and look and then Lee said _don't worry, it's fine._ Then Lee made a comment about how Ling certainly hadn't **let me down gently**. I gave him the Vs, he returned the gesture and he flounced off all pleased with himself.

All in all – it was a bit of a disastrous night.

#

* * *

Okay my lovelies – this is just a bit shameless ridiculousness!

All the animals come from when Aang re-did the Zoo in 'tales of Ba Sing Se'. I regard the events in _tales of Ba Sing Se_ as not being set in time, so a few of them will appear in this fic, from Jet's point of view. _A domestic_ is slang in my part of the world for an awkward fight between a couple in public. I don't know how well that translated for everyone. Normal social rules dictate that everybody leaves the couple alone to duke it out where there is a domestic. Zuko flouts these and stays to watch Ling tear strips of Jet. He finds this very amusing. Jin was one of the girls 'saved' by Jet and "Lee." She already had a little crush on Zuko, but after the rescue, she is very much** besotted** with him. She is working up the courage to asking him out - like she does in the episode. Ling is her friend and she will also hear about Ling's hilariously bad "Date".

Also Jet fantasizes about tying "lee" up and dragging him to fong's fortress quite a lot.

Til next chapter.


	3. on hussies and hair

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Hair and Hussies

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Big Boobs McGee is a shameless shameless hussy.

She is so shameless that I am just going to call her a shameless hussy from now on. Today she strode right up to Lee and asked him for a date – as bold as brass! Lee was surprised and a bit freaked out by the prospect of a date with the shameless hussy. **(Gay?)** Lee's Fat Uncle, on the other hand, is ridiculously happy and agreed to Lee's date before Lee could get a word in edgewise. They will go on their date tonight after the shameless hussy finishes work. So my disastrous night has been followed by a disastrous day.

Just as I am now date-less, Lee has got himself a date.

The world is very unfair.

#

Fat Uncle practically wrestled Lee into the sink in the kitchen this afternoon. Lee struggled – but eventually gave up and then let his Fat Uncle scrub his face and fix his hair and shit. Fat Uncle is acting like such a _fussy, clucky old woman_ about Lee's date and keeps bouncing about happily. Fat uncle is more excited and happy about Lee's date than Lee himself and Lee finds Fat Uncle's enthusiasm a bit creepy.

Fat Uncle got started on Lee's hair and bemoaned its state. Lee's hair is normally in various stages of dishevelment but I always thought that was deliberate. I _artfully dishevel_ my hair every morning. It takes **ages** to make it look like I don't care about it. Lee's hair always looks just regular disheveled but I always thought he must have liked it that way, because he just rolls out of bed in the morning and doesn't fuss with it. And it shows! I definitely have the better hair out of the two of us.

If Smellerbee and Longshot actually thought about it – they would see how ridiculous the idea that I am gay for Lee actually is! If I am going gay for anyone, I will at least pick someone with good personal grooming. I would definitely never go for someone who looks like they hacked at their hair with a blunt instrument and then just left it.

Uncle agrees with me about the hair. The state of Lee's hair is stopping him from getting **the sexytimes.** Uncle said that he thinks Lee's scruffy whatever-I-don'-t-care-about-my-hair look is inappropriate for his date. I know he really meant – _no one is going to shag you with your hair looking like that! _I know that is true because I wouldn't shag him with his hair looking like that! Fat Uncle, in his endeavor to get Lee a shag, tried to "fix his hair" and made it a thousand times worse!

Lee looked ridiculous! Fat Uncle took to rubbing something that look suspiciously like lard in his hair to get it to sit flat. This was a bit of a failure because Lee's hair (much like Lee himself) likes to escape Fat Uncle's ministrations. It ended up sticking about the place in lardy peaks and fat Uncle clucked, dissatisfied, and took to flattening it more. I think it looks better scruffy actually. If Lee's hair has to look shit, at least when it's scruffy he looks like he doesn't care about how shit it looks.

Shameless hussy obviously agreed with me re:hair. But she was a bit shameless about it. She accosted Lee outside the shop with her **hussy wiles** and then **she broke the number one rule:** _SHE TOUCHED THE HAIR. Doesn't_ she know to never touch the hair? **I never let any chick touch my hair** – if they knew how long it took to get it too look like this!

Lee offered vague protest at the hair-touching. He didn't say **Don't Touch the Hair!** Like I always do – but the feeling was the same. He said it had taken his Uncle ages to get it to look like that. But then hussy smiled at him and told him he looked cute with it all messy. He didn't seem to mind the hair-messing so much after that. Possibly because his hair was back to looking ridiculously messy and scruffy and he likes it that way.

#

Hussy is **very touchy feely** with Lee and Lee is not very touchy feely at all and was a giant prat about all her **not very subtle attempts** at feeling him up. There were several – hussy would 'trip' and Lee would help her keep her balance and then she would feel him up in an effort to regain her 'balance'. (Shameless hussy is already unbalanced for fancying Lee to begin with). As they walked, Shameless hussy grabbed his hand and hussied him along to a noodle shop.

Hussy was most anxious to feed Lee noodles for some reason. Does she think that noodles will have an aphrodisiac effect? Possibly. Hussy is a real hussy and she only has one thing on her mind. I can tell. On the walk to the noodleshop she "accidentally" swatted Lee's tight behind three times and she keeps making the eyes at him – like _he's some tasty delicious man-meat-snack_ and she just wants to _lick him all over._I know that look, but Lee seems unfamiliar with it **(gay?).** If he knew what she was saying with her eyes and her accidental swatting and her 'tripping' – he'd probably run away like the socially awkward wanker he is!

No, I know, he's run and find Smellerbee and give her free noodles in exchange for her writing out a **Guide to Letting Down Hussy Gently. **

So Hussy and Lee are in the noodleshop and I was watching them and trying to scope out a good stalking location to get the best view. Hussy readjusted her cleavage at least four times – she really is trying to draw attention to her "girls."

What a floozy!

Hussy is also an idiot and might be suffering from a brain injury, because she is laboring under the delusion that Lee is the most fascinating creature she has ever encountered. There obviously has to be some sort of medical ailment to explain her fascination with Lee.

She smiled at him nonstop and asked him many questions and received mostly monosyllabic answers at the start. It didn't actually matter what Lee said, Hussy continued to make goo goo eyes again. Lee apparently traveled a lot before coming her (because he was trying to **conquer the world like** the lying dirty horrible firebender he is). Hussy asked about the travelling and was really curious every single thing Lee said.

Lee lied his arse off! As the truth of the matter is that he is a dirty stinking no good firebender and he can't very well just say that. He ended up coming up with some bullshit about being a juggler in the circus. Hussy was excited and intrigued and asked for a demonstration. Then she pushed some plates and "the girls" in Lee's face again and gave him a big smile. Lee tentatively agreed to juggle for her.

**Juggling demonstration was hilarious.**

Lee broke half the crockery in the nearby vicinity with his awesome juggling skills. Lee is so shit at juggling! I am very pleased to know that Lee is complete shit at something and I plan to tease him most terribly when we have out next confrontation. The total horrible failure of Lee's juggling did not faze Hussy. Lee lied and said that he was out of practice and I thought that there was no way Hussy would believe that garbage-But she did believe his garbage!

Hussy is dumber than I initially thought. She **must** have a brain injury.

Lee's date was all kinds of entertaining and it was just getting good – however it was at this point that Longshot and Smellerbee saw fit to attack me. They'd been **watching me** **as I watched Lee** and decided that tonight was the night. It was time for **an intervention.** By** intervention** they just meant sitting on me until I promised to "let it go" and stop with the stalking.

Longshot tackled me around the middle and then Smellerbee helped hold me down. Then **they just sat on me! **They said that I really had to stop with the stalking and it was getting weird and creepy now and they were going to sit on me until I agreed to stop. I called their bluff. There was _no way_ they could sit on me _all night._ They did that thing where they look at each other and communicate silently. And a stalemate was reached.

There I was, lying in the public square with Smellerbee and Longshot sitting on me. We were making a small spectacle. I was complaining that I was missing Lee make a dickhead of himself because of them, but they were unmoved by this. Occasionally passersby would query what was going on. Smellerbee would just say that it was **an intervention** and that seemed to satisfy everyone.

I heard Lee shout **she is not my girlfriend!** so loudly that we could hear him in the street. Oh - so the date is going that well then? I have no idea what prompted this shout but I bet Lee was making an arsehole of himself somehow and I wanted see - just so that I could laugh at his expense. Smellerbee and Longshot remained unconvinced and continued their sit off.

We were there for ages. A small crowd were gathered around us. Apparently see someone with _perfect hair_ begin accosted, then sat on and lectured by Smellerbee passes for entertainment in this district. Smellerbee was started berating me about the stalking again- and occasionally the crowd would join in. One of these people was bloody, stupid friggin hussy!

Shameless hussy and Lee had finished their noodles and the aphrodisiac effect was probably kicking in and they were off to go shag a **dirty shag** in an alley somewhere. I bet Hussy likes alley shags and I know Lee likes alleys already, so it is only a short leap to imagine him liking alley shags. They noticed the crowd as they left the noodleshop and hussy wanted to check out what was going on. I heard her say _Ohh what's going on there,_ and then her feet and Lee's feet appeared in my line of sight.

Smellerbee was saying that I had to find more constructive ways of showing my feelings. A few people from the crowd called out in agreement. Hussy said that Smellerbee was right. _ Life is short – if you like someone just tell them - _were shameless hussy's words of advice. I can see shameless hussy lives by this. She seemed satisfied with offering this pearl of wisdom and then turned to lee and said _oh I love street theatre-don't you!_

Lee ignored her comment and asked Longshot and Smellerbee what was going on. I craned my neck so I could look up and shout at him better. I started shouting that this was all _his fault…._I had many more derogatory things to say – but Smellerbee put her hand over my mouth and stifled my very witty comments. She said _Sorry about Jet _over the top of my muffled comments. I shot Lee a look that said _I'm going to kill you slowly- when I get the chance._ Lee gave me a look that said _what-the-fuck-ever-you're-currently-being-sat-on-by-your-two-best-mates-so-I'll-take-my-chances._

Smellerbee explained to Lee that they were having an **intervention.** Lee gave her a look and she made a shooing motion with her free hand and said that he should go off **and enjoy his night.** Lee seemed nonplussed by the whole intervention thing and said _okay then, see you guys later _to Longshot and Smellerbee_._ And then he swanned off with the shameless hussy.

#

Smellerbee and Longshot sat on me for approximately three hours. The crowd dispersed after about an hour – because we were just having the same argument over and over. Smellerbee started bitching that I was being ridiculous and paranoid and crazy. I reminded her again that there was nothing ridiculous or paranoid or crazy about being on our guard for firebenders. I explained that **I wasn't crazy** and **Lee really was a firebender.** Smellerbee gave me a look of indulgent patience and said _I don't know honey. Even if Lee is a firebender- even if he is the worst firebender that ever existed and goes round drowning kittens in his spare time - you're still pretty crazy._ She then said that there was a difference between being on guard for firebenders and being a weird creepy stalker and if I wanted to hang out with Lee, I should just try being his friend no stalk him creepily when he was on a date.

**Oh What The Actual Fuck?**

We are **not **back to this again!

Smellerbee still thinks I have a **big gay crush** on Lee! She says my obsessive stalking is not normal. If I want him to be my boyfriend -I am going the wrong way about it. I have gotten extremely cross with her and detailed all the various ways that I am **not gay for Lee** and outlined for her how ridiculous her theory was (_Lee's bad hair was mentioned_). I told her that I don't want him to be my boyfriend. I want to **tie him up and punish him** like the dirty, sneaky, wily firebender he is. Smellerbee just made a face at me. An incredulous, disgusted face. She completely misunderstood! She said she didn't want to hear about how I wanted to tie him up and do dirty things to him.

Oh hell no!

She was taking what I was saying completely out of context! I didn't mean **that** at all. I got really angry and explained most sternly that my thoughts of Lee are **completely adversarial** in nature. Also she was being ridiculous and stupid.

I think my strong protests and disagreements were encouraging Smellerbee and Longshot to continue sitting on me. Eventually I caved and promised to lay off the stalking, because I knew that was what they wanted me to say. It's just a small white lie. I actually intend to only lay off the stalking when I have proof and have gotten Lee and Fat Uncle arrested. After they have been dragged away by the cops – I'll stop with the stalking.

But only after that.

#

Back at the shelter. Longshot is on duty 'watching' me to make sure I don't have a 'relapse'. Have no idea what Lee is up to right now. And I can't find out because Longshot is watching me like a hawk.

#

I bet he's shagging that shameless hussy.

#

Shag. shag. shag.

#

And it'd be a **dirty alley shag.**

#

Longshot finally went to work and I resumed stalking. Went to the teashop and both Lee and Fat Uncle were there. The place is getting really crowded and it was hard to stalk with so many people around. Shameless Hussy came by in the afternoon. She had a coupon for free tea. Did Lee have to buy her loving and bribe her with free tea? **I bet he did**, because no one would want to shag him normally without some kind of additional incentive.

She asked if she could talk to Lee and they came out to the corner of the alley. I crept closer so I could hear better. It looked like a supremely awkward conversation at the start. I managed to catch the tail end of it clearly. Hussy was smiling at Lee like he was just the _sexiest tasty morsel_ and _she wanted to eat him all up._ She was looking at him like _she'd never seen a finer arse anywhere._ Hussy was being less flirty than yesterday though, and she wasn't shoving "the girls" forward as much. She was saying that she just wanted to be friends.

A Ha!

Now someone is letting Lee down gently!

Take that Lee!

See how you like it!

Weirdly, Lee did seem to like it. Well, he smiled back at Hussy at any rate. Hussy said that she respected that Lee's situation was complicated – but she really just wanted to be his friend. Was that okay with Lee? Could they be friends? She made the goo goo eyes at him again here and came right up close in his personal space. Lee looked a bit nervous at the prospect of being friends with shameless hussy and her huge boobs.

Oh what the fuck is this?

He was acting like he's fucking shy!

I'm sorry, I'm not buying it. He must be working some kind of dastardly firebender angle – because there is no way a boy who is not afraid of leaping tall buildings and friggin snarling tigerdillos would be this nervous around the idiot that is shameless hussy.

Eventually Lee said that it would be nice to have a friend and Hussy made a happy little noise. Then she said that she glad they got that sorted. She had to get back to work, but before she left, she gave him a little hair ruffled – like she did last night (she **touched the hair** again!). then she stood back and said _see you later buddy _and sashayed away like the hussy that she is. Lee watched her go with this weird smile on his face.

His normal smile is friggin creepy.

His hussy induced smile is even worse!

#

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

* * *

So I like Jin a lot. I think she is just darling. And I think she would have redeemed that coupon at some point. She would have tried to talk to "Lee" again. And this is how I think that would have gone. and now Zuko has a friend. Daaaw.

Jet misses out on the end of Zuko's date and misses seeing the firebending – because Smellerbee and Longshot are sitting on him. If I were Smellerbee and Longshot – I would hold a similar intervention.

I also think that Jet spends and disproportionate amount of time very morning "artfully disheveling" his hair.


	4. Wrongfully Arrested!

0o0o0o0o0o0

Wrongly Arrested

0o0o0o0o0o0

So I have been _wrongly arrested_ by the guards for being a **pervert.** _It is not what it looks like,_ but I can't explain without incriminating myself further with Longshot and Smellerbee. I think it is better for them to think that I ruined their date for some sick pervy pleasure than the real reason. So I have let them think that I was getting my rocks off perving at all the naked girls, even though Smellerbee will not shut up about it!

She is most displeased when they had to bail me out. I wasn't perving on the ladies, thank you very much. If I wanted to see a naked lady, I would just have to head to the nearest pub – finding a girl to take her clothes off for me has **never **been a problem. Chicks dig me alright. And I dig them! I don't dig anything but chicks!

I appreciate the sight of the naked ladies…but I wasn't perving. Legit. I had other reasons to be peering in their window. That reason may have been that I was stalking Lee again. Here in lies the dilemma – I can let Smellerbee and Longshot think I'm a dirty pervert who perves on ladies and listen to smellerbee harangue me about objectification. Or I can confess to Lee stalking again and listen to both of them go off their nut about how it is weird and wrong and I really have to let it go. They would probably step up their surveillance on me too. Faced with this choice I have opted for letting them think I am a heterosexual pervert, rather than a big gay stalker.

This whole situation is really unfair.

This night sucks! I have now spent ages in lock up. Have had the guards also assume that I am gay for Lee and give me an abundance of useless 'advice'. I also owe Lee three florins and that is the worst of all. I am now indebted to a fucking firebender again! This whole night is his fault. I hate Lee more that I have words to describe. I definitely hate him more than he hates me. If hate were people, I'd be Ba Sing Se and he'd be some crappy city like Gaipan.

#

So what happened was this; Smellerbee and Longshot have arranged their work shifts so that one of them is always with me this week – watching me either surreptitiously or not so surreptitiously. They each have different solo stalking-stopping styles – Longshot just** stares me down,** Smellerbee puts on this stupid beard and wants to _talk about my problems _with me. This is ostensibly for my own good and to stop me from 'relapsing'. They took my promise during their** intervention** seriously and have done their best to hold me to it. The three of us have spent a great deal of time together in an enclosed space and I'm sure one of us was going to crack. I just thought it would be Smellerbee.

Smellerbee bought this beard and book from a street hawker – it apparently is meant to make her 'understand people better.' She has diagnosed me with several things outlined in the book. According to Smellerbee, my 'desire' for Lee is narcissistic in nature, because we have similar build, stature and hair (I protested about the hair bit – my hair is awesome and Lee's hair sucks). I also have an obsessive personality (thus my obsession with Lee). According to the book, I must go **cold turkey** and stop all contact with Lee and the first week will be the hardest.

Ever since Smellerbee read that – she has been on my case about not stalking Lee and making sure that either she or Longshot is always with me. I hate that book. I hid it from her on top of the cupboard – she is too short to reach it – suck that Smellerbee! She was most displeased. Actually ended up reading the stupid book on Longshot's next shift because it was so unrelentingly boring being trapped in the one room with someone who doesn't speak. Anyway reading the book gave me a few ideas.

Idea one: slowly convince Smellerbee that I am okay – using words and phrases found in her book. Ha! Two can play at that game. It was working and she was starting to think I was on the road to recovery.

Idea two: get Longshot and Smellerbee to distract each other – so that I can once again breathe the sweet air of freedom. If those two go out on a date together – that will give me at least four unsupervised hours. Whenever me and Longshot were alone, I started to encourage him to act on his ever-present crush on Smellerbee.

I'm not actually being a bastard here – because I know she likes him back. I wouldn't encourage him if I knew she didn't feel the same way. Longshot has always adored Smellerbee and I suggested that maybe the time had come to DO something about it. We are in a new city, we are making a fresh start – why not make a fresh start with her, or even better yet; get fresh with her!

So tonight, after a more than a week of nearly constant supervision, my opportunity to escape came. Longshot asked Smellerbee out. they went out into the corridor, so that I wouldn't overhear, but I listened in anyway. So Longshot actually did it. He properly asked her out on a date DATE, and if she would like to be his girlfriend. He actually **used his words** to do this too. Which is a big step for him. He only talks for really important things. Smellerbee blushed like I have never seen her blush before (okay, I was watching through the keyhole as well as listening in – but it wasn't in a creeepy way, I just wanted to see how they got on.)

Smellerbee wanted to go on the date, but wasn't sure about leaving me on my own. I managed to convince her that I was completely over stalking Lee and her little book and all her _'therapy'_ and _'talking about my feelings'_ had really helped. And I didn't want to ruin her and Longshot's date (that part actually wasn't a lie). Eventually in the face of my reasonableness and with the anticipation of young love – Longshot and Smellerbee left. I had to promise them several times that I wouldn't stalk Lee, and I would just stay in the shelter.

They were just small white lies.

#

Longshot had saved up enough money to take Smellerbee to the zoo on a date. The zoo is friggin expensive – so this was a 'serious' date. He wanted to treat Smellerbee to the full shebang – dinner and zoo and everything. Who knew that Longshot was a closet romantic? Who knew that smellerbee was come to think of it. She borrowed a dress from the chick down the hall and washed her face and everything. Anyway, Longshot offered her his arm like he was some pansy-arse in a romance scroll and they wandered off together. Their date should keep them occupied for hours.

#

I just intended to have a _little stalk_ – I really did. Just to see what the sneaky wily Lee is up to. That was all! But _shit happens_ and _things go wrong_ and _people accidentally get arrested for being perverts._

It happens.

#

Went to the teashop. It is much busier now. Full of upper-ringers who come into the district "slumming it" with these really creepy guides that have no expression. Like me, the upper ringers are under constant supervision and have to have a creepy guide everywhere they go. The creepy guides really freak Lee out. He always takes a couple of steps back and looks unnerved whenever one of them talks to him directly. One of them walked silently up behind him and said something to him and **surprised the shit** out of him. He squealed like a little pansy-arse little girl and dropped the teapot he was holding.

It was hilarious.

I was pleased that it still sucks to be Lee. Whenever I feel gloomy about the state of everything, I think about how crappy Lee's life is (no shags, lives with nudist, weirdo Uncle in a shitty apartment and he works a shitty job) and it always cheers me up immensely.

#

The Fat Uncle has apparently joined a Pai Sho tournament and had won two coupons for the full treatment at the district baths. He and Lee where going to use them that night after they closed up. There was much talk from Lee about how Pai Sho wasn't that useless after all and the Fat Uncle would smile like Lee had just handed him a million dollars whenever he said that.

#

I followed them. I couldn't follow them into the baths, but I checked around the building. Took me ages to find them again. Some of the pools and baths just have slatted blinds for better ventilation, and I was looking through one of these windows and I saw Lee and Fat Uncle sitting in one of the warm pools.

Couldn't see anything under the waterline. Not that I wanted to see anything under the water line. Have already seen everything Uncle's got under the water line anyway. But I could see their chests. This is the first time I have seen Lee without his shirt. I wasn't looking in **that way** or anything, but I did look in a _completely objective_ fashion. And couldn't help but notice that Lee is _really fit._

He is _super buff. _

Not in a big, beefy way – but just in an exceptionally muscular way. Like, legit, he doesn't just have a six pack – he has like a _friggin baker's dozen_. What is _with_ that? Does he do _nothing but sit ups in _his spare time?

It really pissed me off just quietly.

I am the **most muscular** guy I know. I am proud of my **hot body.** I work hard at maintaining it. I flex all the time for the ladies and I've only ever had compliments about how fit I am. I can beat almost anyone – even the Avatar- in a fair fight. The only person I've ever lost to was **bossy sexy Katara** and she _cheated._ I would like to be comfortable in the knowledge that I could crush Lee if it ever came to a physical fight. I always thought I would be the physically stronger one. But seeing him shirtless gave me pause for thought.

He could be stronger.

Fuck it!

I have let myself go in this city. Without climbing trees everyday, I have definitely lost some muscle definition. After this I am going to start going for runs and doing sit ups and shit. I am definitely going to challenge Lee to an arm wrestle next time I see him – just to settle it once and for all, which one of us is the stronger and more badass. It's totally me... but I just have to be sure.

Anyway I was thinking this sort of thing, when they got up and moved pools. I tried to follow, but I ended up looking through the wrong slats. Or the right slats, depending on how you look at things. I realized pretty quickly that I was looking into the ladies changing area.

**Nice. **

It honestly was just an honest mistake. I didn't** look** look – but no one will believe me.

Okay fine, I looked – but how could I not. **It was a room full of naked and semi naked women.** How could I not look? Perhaps I _appreciated the view_ for a little bit too long. Because before I knew it, one of those girls had looked up and seen me. She held my eye contact for exactly one second before she started screaming her head off.

Look I could see why she made the initial mistake that I was perving – but she didn't even give me a chance to explain before she did that whole screaming thing. This parts a bit of a blur. Security guy ran in, and wanting to be the big hero to a bunch of naked ladies, he flung the window open and smacked me in the face with it.

#

I woke up in the atrium of the place – flat on my arse with a pounding headache. I could hear the girl ranting to some officer about how she felt violated by having some pervert peering in the window at her. It took me two seconds to realise that she was talking about me.

I opened my eyes and saw Lee and his Uncle and two of the city guards standing over me. One of the guards remarked _oh he's waking up_ in a dopey voice. This guard would later be revealed to be the brains of the outfit. His partner is possibly the stupidest man on the planet and may in fact have ferrets living in the space where his brain should be.

Lee nudged me with his foot and said _wake up Jet – these nice officers are going to take you away. _Dopey asked _is he a friend of yours then?_ Lee snorted and said _I wouldn't say that_. I said with some sarcasm that I wasn't too fucking fond of him either. This is obviously the sort of response that Lee and Fat Uncle have come to expect from me. Fat Uncle said _oh good, he's okay – shall we go back?_ Lee opted to stay to ensure I was **treated the way I deserved. **He was enjoying this too much.

Fuck you too Lee.

Anyway the guards were a bit harsh with me (because I had been caught being a **dirty pervert).** Lee seemed to enjoy this. He asked what would happen to me and ferret brain said that I was going in the slammer till someone bales me out – and I panicked a little. I just... I had a **bad experience **once. A really bad experience. Ever since then I can't stand to be confined in anything that resembles a cell. I just can't. I wouldn't call it claustrophobia. It's more like jail-a-phobia. Jail-a-phobia makes me a **complete moron.** Obviously that is the only explanation for the following events.

I had a horrible thought. How would Smllerbee and Longshot know where to find me? As far as they knew, I was still at home in the refugee shelter. They'd come home and I wouldn't be there and they'd never know to come and bale me out. I didn't trust the bureaucracy in this town for one second, and ferret brain wasn't even capable of buttoning his shirt right – let alone delivering a message. If I had been thinking clearly, I would have realised that Smellerbee and Longshot are both smart enough to check with the local law enforcement eventually, when I go missing. But I didn't think of that then, did I.

No, instead I panicked like an idiot and tried to escape – but they had me in cuffs and escape was difficult. It was a messy struggle and I squirmed like crazy and stepped on Dopey's foot and used his surprise to wrench free. But all that struggle was in vain because the tiled floor was ridiculously wet and slippery from where friggin Lee had been friggin dripping on it. So I slipped in the puddle and fell flat on my arse and was once again apprehended – and this time Dopey was pissed off with me.

The guards started dragging me away and then I **lost my nut** a little. It was the jail-a-phobia talking, not me. I just couldn't go back into a cell again... I shouted various panicked things and then I saw Lee still there. I shouted at him to get Longshot and Smellerbee and they were at the Zoo. He crossed his arms and said _why should I?_ I didn't have a reason for him, not one that would convince him and I ended up just saying the lamest thing ever.

_Please. _

I have now said _please_ to Lee and I was surprised that the universe didn't implode in on itself when that happened, because surely the day that I say please to a firebender is the day that the **world fucking ends** because **nothing makes sense anymore**. Lee looked exceptionally surprised when I said it. But then the cops hauled me down the street and I couldn't see him anymore.

#

I spent the next little while **hating Lee more than any person on this planet**. He was such a fucking bastard, I bet he was enjoying this. I was sure that he was just going to let me rot in here and let Smellerbee and Longshot worry and gloat over our collective misery like the evil firebender he is. I spent a long time imagining the various ways that I would tie him up and make him beg for mercy when I next saw him.

I was in the holding cell for a while, until Ferretbrain came in to take my statement. I tried to explain how it had all been an honest mistake. I wasn't perving on the ladies. I was collecting proof of firebenders in the city. I was doing my civic duty. I was making Ba Sing Se safer. I was doing a public service. Ferretbrain gave me a look that said _bitch please_ . There obviously must be some sort of procedural rule to follow up leads on firebenders because he asked me what I had found out. I thought _finally! _Someone who would listen to me – of course I didn't know how stupid ferretbrain was at that point.

I outlined my suspicions, starting with how I met Lee on the ferry and right up until tonight and this whole **pervert **misunderstanding. Ferretbrain listened and seemed rather amused at one point. I was just glad that someone from a legitimate law enforcing body was listening to me – so I answered all his questions. At the end of my story, Ferretbrain gave me a long look. Then he said that he just wanted to make sure that he got the story straight. He repeated the story back to me, but he made it sound so tawdry and gay!

He said _so let me get this straight, you met this boy on the ferry – asked him to join your __**merry men**__ – to which he said no. You then saw his uncle with hot tea. From that you decided that the boy was a firebender and have since proceeded to follow him everywhere around the city. In fact you were perving on him in the baths this afternoon – not the ladies._

I got irate a protested a great deal. Yes, I had been looking at Lee ands not the ladies this afternoon – but I was looking at him in the **completely non-gay way**. I was not doing anything that could be remotely misconstrued as perving. Ferret brain looked through his notes and pointed out that I had mentioned/complained at length about Lee's muscular, fit body. I had obviously had a good look and that sounded a **little pervy** to Ferrethead.

It was then that I realized Ferrethead is the stupidest man on the planet.

Ferrethead didn't realize his own stupidity. Ferrethead in fact, felt sorry for me. Ferrethead said that he believed me. Not about Lee being a firebender, but about me not perving on the ladies. He then offered me some friendly advice. He said that if Lee did not want to be my boyfriend,** I had to accept that**. He told me that a few of the guards also_ pitched their tent on the other side of the field, _and there were some specialized teashops I could go to that had a select clientele. I could find someone else who was _more than happy to be a merry man with me_. Then it would be unlikely that _misunderstandings,_ like the _misunderstanding _that had happened tonight would happen to me.

I was about to get exceptionally angry (**always unwise with law enforcement**). But it was precisely at that moment that Smellerbee and Longshot showed up. Smellerbee was looking very pretty. She was also looking at me like she wanted to cut me. Longshot also gave me a look that said _dude, you ruined our first date – that is __**so not cool.**_ Behind them was Lee, looking grumpy. Well he always looks grumpy, so I guess he was just looking how he normally does.

Smellerbee ranted that I was a peeping tom now on top of everything else. Perving on ladies in the baths was officially **rock bottom.** She couldn't leave me alone for five minutes etc. Her evening had been ruined because of me and she was surprised and ashamed of me. Lee watched Smellerbee rant at me with this amused look on his face – because he always likes seeing other people shout at/berate me.

I wanted got kick him in his gonads. He wouldn't find it so fucking funny then.

Ferrethead was also amused by Smellerbee. He let her rant herself out, then explained that he was going to let me off with a warning and a small fine. We had to pay the fine before I could be released. Because the zoo is so bloody expensive – Longshot didn't have enough cash to cover the fine and was three florins short.

He looked at Lee in a way that said _dude can I borrow three florins to get my crazy friend out of lock up before he goes even crazier._ Smellerbee turned and looked at Lee with a look that said _please just lend us the florins so we can get out of here and go home – my date has already been ruined and this night can only go down hill from here, so don't make it worse for me_. Ferretface gave him a look that said _I don't care who pays just as long as someone pays. _I gave him a look that said _you are the worst thing that has ever happened to me. _

The silence **got awkward**. Lee asked _why are you all looking at me?_ But even the penny (or the three florins) dropped for him after a few seconds. He said _Hell no!_ and then _fuck it! _And reached into his pocket and gave the coins to Smellerbee and Longshot with a great deal of disgruntlement. He said _you guys owe me! _Smellerbee gave him a grateful look and said _thanks Lee._ She promised she'd pay him back. Lee said that if they were short for cash, he would accept payment in the form of me not stalking him any longer. Smellerbee agreed to the terms for me.

He was about to stomp off – when Ferretface asked him to wait for a second. He asked me if this was _Lee,_ the one I was stalking Lee. I confirmed. He looked at Lee appraisingly and said that he had a few questions to for him. Lee put on his politest_ I-don't-want-any-trouble-officer-I-swear-that's-not-even-mine_ voice and asked what Ferretface wanted to know.

Ferretface looked over his notes and said that it was district policy that any allegations of firebending be investigated. There had been an allegation against Lee. Lee gave me an extremely unimpressed face. If looks could burn, I swear I would have been ashes just from that Look.

Ferretface said that it was a simple process, he only had two questions. Lee nodded. Ferretface's first question was _are you a firebender? _ Lee looked taken aback but the directness of the question and said _err…no._ Ferretface nodded and said _good to know! Okay second question: do you intend to harm the citizens of Bas Sing Se?_ Lee once again answered negative. Ferretface clapped his hands together, announced he was completely satisfied and thanked Lee for his co-operation. Lee asked if he could go now and Ferretface said he was excused.

Ferretface turned to me and said _see Jet, he is not a firebender_. I was a bit cross. I admit that for a brief second there, I thought that Ferretface had believed me and Lee was finally going to get dragged away by the cops – like he deserves! I had a glimmer of hope that was cruelly dashed by Ferretface's incompetence. I pointed out that I did not think it was enough just ask him? Did Ferretface really think it was enough to just ask him? Ferretface shrugged and said _well, he would know, wouldn't he?_

I did not find this funny.

Ferretface sighed and said that I would need actual proof and about a dozen eyewitnesses – before any allegation of firebending would be taken seriously. Then he and Longshot filled in some paper work. Because Longshot is the oldest and legally an adult in Ba Sing Se, I have been released into his custody. Longshot is now the boss of me and I have a feeling he will hold this over me for a long time to come.

#

Smellerbee has now been ranting for approximately three hours. She must be about to run out of steam soon. I tried at one point to stop the rant and said that I hadn't been perving on those women. Smellerbee put her hands on her hips and asked what was I doing then? Before I could answer she said _I hope you weren't stalking Lee. I had my suspicions when he came to get us, but I am dismissing it as a coincidence. Because if you were stalking Lee it means that you completely broke your promise to me and Longshot and made a mockery of the trust we put in you – trust that you will never get back._ When she put it like that, I decided that it was safer for all concerned if I confessed to being a pervert instead.

#

Smellerbee was on me-watching-shift. The therapy beard didn't come out, but she did lecture me at length again, about how I need a job, I need to stop obsessing and I need to just **get my shit together**. It's a hard adjustment for all of us to be living a new city and away from the trees – but I had to let the freedom fighter days go. I wasn't fighting firebenders here, I just had to make a new start, find a job and live a life.

She was very insistent about the job thing. She said that I now owed Lee three florins and neither she nor Longshot would lend it to me. I knew she knew how my pride couldn't stand to be indebted to fucking Lee – and it worked like a charm. Somehow, I don't know how – **she tricked** me into volunteering to help out at the bakery tomorrow morning – I told her I was just doing it until I have enough cash to pay Lee back.

#

Actually had a fun morning with Smellerbee and earned five florins for my trouble. She explained the situation to her boss, who is a nice guy even though he is even fatter than Fat Uncle. He put me to work kneading bread. I spent the whole time punching it and imagining it was Lee's face. I have been declared a good kneader by Fat Baker. He doesn't have a job for me, but he told me that his friend who runs the pastry shop near the market might need somebody. I declined.

Smellerbee elbowed me strongly when I did so. She is most unimpressed. But I am not bakery/patisserie material. I didn't want to say it out loud and hurt Smellerbee's feelings, but I am _above _working in a bakery. A baker's life is so dull and boring and that might be alright for Smellerbee, but I need something more! I can't just do any old dull and boring job, like a bakery or a working in a toy shop. I'm not like Smellerbee and Longshot. I need excitement in my job. After leading the freedom fighters, anything else would be beneath me.

#

Smellerbee had to do her deliveries. One of these deliveries is several tray loads of dumplings to Lee's teashop. She offered to pass along the three florins for me – but I protested that I wanted to do it myself. I could help her carry the trays. I was over stalking Lee. Moreover, I wanted him to know that I was not a deadbeat and I was paying him back with my own money. Smellerbee acquiesced after a long argument.

#

Lee was at the market when we got there.

#

Smellerbee was torn. I am normally left at the shelter, and Smellerbee and Longshot have arranged their schedules around guarding me there. This was the first time that they had to do a shift handover with me out and about. I sniffed the possibility of freedom again. Smellerbee was undecided. She had deliveries still to do, and she had to get them all done before 11. She also wanted to frog march me back to the shelter to make sure I didn't get into anymore shenanigans. I promised and cajoled and urged. I told her that I was fine and I would walk back home on my own. I was completely capable of that. I would go straight there right now. She shouldn't be late for her deliveries on my account. Smellerbee left me against her better judgement and assured me that she would check with Longshot about what time I got back. I am unsure as to what this threat is supposed to imply.

#

Found Lee at the market. Wasn't sneaking this time and I walked right up to him. He sighed and rolled his eyes like he's **the biggest fucking martyr in the entire world** when he saw me coming. We had our usual confrontation. He told me to fuck off, go fuck myself etc. Today he added that I could go perve on ladies in the bath instead – as that seemed to be my new hobby. Just to be a fucking cheeky bastard.

I said that I just wanted to pay him back. Lee made a big hoo-haa about how he would really prefer payment in the form of my cessation of the stalking. I told him to just take the bloody money and to stop being a fucking git. Take the cash and then we'd be square. Lee said fine and held out his hand – but then it got awkward because I only had a five florin coin and I totally wanted my change! Lee sighed again. (He really had perfected that incredibly frustrated and long-suffering sigh). He bought some spicy dumplings to break the five and gave me my change.

I stood awkwardly for a second and Lee told me to _run along now_ and made a shooing gesture. I will not be shooed in such a patronizing fashion! I also had a question for Lee. It had been bugging me all night. See I really thought he would leave me in the slammer **to rot**. But he'd gone out of his way and found Smellerbee and Longshot for me when he really didn't have to.

It was fucking confusing.

I hate it when Lee does shit like this. The helping me shit had to stop! It's really fucking annoying. I think he does it to mess with my head. Because he has obviously got some devious plan in the works. He does shit like this and I end up owing him in a non-monetary way. It's like the tigerdillo but worse. I can't pay him back for getting Longshot and Smellerbee the other night and that pisses me off!

I followed him (he sighed again) and I said I just had to ask him why he had done it? He said that he had obviously taken **too many blows to the head** and had some sort of brain damage. That was the only explanation he could come up with for why he'd given up his night off to help me out. I made a face at him and then he said _fine! I did it because you said please…and because you really __**flipped the fuck out**__ when you realized they were going to put you in the slammer._ _What was __**with**__ that?_ I mumbled about how I once had a bad experience in jail. He asked me what happened. I gave him an incredulous look and said _I. Had. A. Bad. Experience. Okay._

I said that I didn't do well being locked up and that was all that Lee needed to know. Lee nodded like he understood, when there is no way that he could fucking understand this feeling.

Lee stopped with his shopping and looked up at the sky beseechingly as if asking the spirits for patience. Then he said that he had some advice for me and I had to not be a psycho for two minutes and listen. He said that the district guards, the one I had been arrested by last night, were one thing. But the Dai Li were another friggin batch of nastiness altogether. And I really had to get my shit together, watch myself and not mention the war or firebenders.

Ah, now I could see where he was going with his. He put his basket down, slapped me upside the head and said that he was** serious** and _he was telling me for my own good._ He picked up the basket, sighed again, grabbed me by my collar, said _come on_ and dragged me into an alley.

I would just like to point out that _he_ dragged _me!_

He looked around and checked for other people. He was acting really shifty and suspicious – but it was a different sort of shifty and suspicious than I was used to seeing from him. It made me nervous seeing Lee unnerved… just quietly. He lowered his voice and told me that Dai Li were **fucking serious business** and there more and more of them in the district now and I had to watch myself. Didn't I notice how no one mentioned the war lately? I have been kept in solitary confinement by Smellerbee and Longshot for the past ten days and haven't.

Lee looked at me with an incredulous expression. Then he shook his head and said that I should at least know who to avoid. We were right on the corner of the alley and he pointed out where a few of the Dai Li agents were hiding and watching the market. The uniform is different to the district guards. They looked like badasses. Lee explained that anyone who mentioned the war had 'disappeared' with the Dai Li. They'd taken a few of the seamstresses and some of the district guards the other night and the market patisserie had lost two apprentices the night before that.

He told me that now that more upper-ringers came down into the district, the Dai Lee and the Joo Dees came with them. What's a Joo Dee? Lee pointed out one of the creeper guides with the blank faces. She was leading a group of obviously posh people, who were trying to 'fit' in with us poor folks. It made me a bit mad actually – they were gawking around like this was a zoo and we were the exhibits.

Lee said that apparently the Joo Dees were _the lucky ones._ They were women who had previously been arrested by the Dai Li. They'd be gone for months, sometimes years and then they would reappear. They wouldn't know their own family, or even their own names. They'd just be this blank empty shell of a person. And they gave Lee **the fucking creeps.** If that was what being lucky was, then Lee would prefer to be killed outright.

I ask how did Lee know all this. He looked a bit uncomfortable and said that I missed a bit in my week off stalking him. There had been an incident in the teashop. One of the Joo Dees had apparently lived in this district. His boss had told him that the Dai Li were normally good about never sending Joo Dees anywhere they might be recognized. But there had been a botch up somewhere along the way. This Joo Dee was tending to her clients when this young girl ran in and wrapped herself around the Joo Dee's knees. The Joo Dee was the girls' mother, but after whatever the Dai Li had done to her, she didn't recognize her own kid.

The girl got a bit distraught and kept saying _Mum, It's me over_ and over again. The Joo Dee acted like she couldn't hear the girl properly and kept saying _I am not Mum, I am Joo Dee._ One of the customers knew the girl and the mother. She had picked the girl up and carried her out the back. His Uncle and this woman had stayed out there and tried to calm the girl down.

And it was a close thing too, because the Dai Li came in only two minutes later. Everyone in the front of the shop swore black and blue that nothing unusual had happened and there was no war in Ba Sing Se. And the whole thing was **intense** and **creepy **and **messed up.**

After that, his boss had explained to Lee and his Uncle about the Dai Li. Because that had shop many friggin upper-ringers now, their teashop was always getting Dai Li inspections now. He said _look, you get arrested by the Dai Li and fucking bad things happen to you. And if the Joo Dees are the lucky ones, I don't even want to know what happens to everyone else. _

Lee didn't want any trouble with the Dai Li and had been really friggin careful since they had shown up. He said if I was **smart **I would do the same. If I kept going on about firebenders – I would be the next one to disappear. Couldn't I let this whole grudge against the firenation go – couldn't I see that there were worse things out there than firebenders? I inhaled sharply. I could not believe he had just said that. A wave of intense fury swept through me. **Let it go?** Did he really just say that? I said that the Dai Li might be messed up – but there is nothing worse than firebenders.

I said how could Lee ever expect me to let it go? After what happened to my village! I told him that Longshot, Smellerbee and I all came from a completely insubstantial village that wasn't there anymore. It was on the road between two of the firenation colonies. Because our village was so small we had been deemed not worth colonizing – however that didn't mean that we weren't worth killing. There were only ten houses and a market – they could have let us be! But instead the firebenders had rounded everybody up into Old Man Shang's barn, locked and barred it on the outside… and set it on fire.

There was only one way out – the window at the top of the barn. My dad climbed up there with me and Longshot and Smellerbee, as we were the three kids of the village. We were on the second floor and it looked like such a long way down. He made me hop on his back and he grabbed Longshot under one arm and Smellerbee under the other. He told us all to hang on and then he took a little run up and jumped clear of the flames.

He had done that so he would take the brunt of the fall for us. I understood that now. He landed badly, and busted his ankle, but we were fine. One of those monsters had heard us and rode around the side to investigate. Dad told me **run for it** and to take Longshot and Smellerbee into the forest and hide there and he'd distract the firebender so we could get away. He did.

I saw the whole thing. I saw what that firebender did to my wonderful, brave dad and how afterwards he stood over him and fucking laughed. The others came round the back and some of the other people from our village tried jumping out the window too. So they started cutting down anyone else who jumped - to seal off the only escape. Everyone from my village died that day, except for Longshot, Smellerbee and I.

If Lee thinks that I can just get over **that** and let **that **go – he's got another thing coming.** I will never get over that!** **I will never let it go!** Lee was looking at me with wide-eyed shock. I had startled him. I was starling myself. I never talk about this. ever. Not even with Bossy, Sexy Katara – and I thought that if anyone might understand, she would. Not even with Smellerbee when she was in therapy mode. Smellerbee can't talk about this day either. Longshot hasn't really spoken a word since it happened.

Lee was looking at me like he felt _really sorry_ for me and I just **hated** him so much right then. I hated that somehow I had ended up blabbing my whole sorry story to him. I felt like he had tricked me into talking about it somehow. Lee started to say that _he hadn't realized_ and _he was so sor.._ I cut him off there and gave him **the biggest shove** and told him that if he_ dared_ say he was sorry to me – **I would kill him where he stood**. He didn't _get_ to be sorry. _Firebenders didn't get to be __**sorry **__after something like that._ And he should **never **tell me to just get over it and let it go again – because that wasn't going to happen.

I said that no matter how bad the Dai Li was – they were still _nothing compared to the Rough Rhinos_. I wasn't going to rest until the world had been ridded of firebenders. All firebenders were just evil and they shouldn't be allowed to live after all the things they have done! I would prefer to be taken by the Dai Li than having to tolerate living in the same district as a firebender. Lee gave me a hard look and said _well you just might get your wish. _

_#_

* * *

Author's note: YMMV may vary on everything.

So this is the first time Jet get's wrongfully (or rightfully) arrested. The public baths that he peeks in on are similar to the roman style of bathhouse in my imagination. Not many people have bathrooms in their apartments in the Lower Ring. I imagine that while most daily washing was done with a bucket and a sponge – there would still be a bathhouse for people who really wanted/could afford a more thorough wash. Iroh and Zuko are used to the finer things and would relish a chance to get properly clean. Iroh is supplementing their income through Pai Sho gambling.

That Wang-fire beard that Sokka has in _nightmares and daydreams_ – was purchased in Ba Sing Se. Smellerbee has bought a similar Wang-fire beard and a book on psychological disorders (as she is sure Jet has one, maybe several). She puts the beard on for her and Jet's "therapy sessions."

Smellerbee and Longshot and Jet are a family. They have been through so much together –I think he was the oldest kid when they escaped the barn fire and would have really looked after them for those first few years in the forest. So Smellerbee and Longshot are going to stick with him no matter what.

Longshot has had a crush on Smellerbee for a long time and has finally acted on it. Smellerbee reciprocates and it's all a bit sweet. I admit it. I ship Longshot/Smellerbee. Of course their first romantic date is ruined by Jet's shenanigans.

Zuko would have jumped the fence at the zoo –using his ninja sneaky powers, and found them on their date and told them about how Jet was arrested for being a pervert and they needed to bail him out. I think Zuko likes Longshot and Smellerbee well enough – he doesn't hold Jet's stalking against them at least. He and Smellerbee also have a chat every few days, if he's in the back when she delivers the dumplings and they have become…not friends, but friendly acquaintances at least.

Jet would have really freaked out at the thought of going into the slammer and would have been a bit hysterical. Hysterical enough to say _please _to Zuko and that it pretty distressed. Zuko would have been perturbed by the _please._ Initially he would have gone back into the bath house and thought _why should I…stupid Jet, serves him right…just because he really freaked out and neither of his friends know where he is ….doesn't mean that I should do anything. _But Zuko's really not that much of a bastard and his conscience would have gotten the better of him and he would have made his excuses to his Uncle and gone to find Longshot and Smellerbee. Zuko doesn't like Jet. He is annoyed and frustrated by him. But he doesn't hate him at this stage and so he isn't just going to let him rot.

I also have brought up the Joo Dees and the Dai Li. I think that the guy who offers Iroh the teashop in the upper ring heard about him from all the people who come into the lower ring districts to "slum it." Iroh/his tea is flavour of the month in the right circles. But upper ringers aren't allowed to go anywhere unescorted, and so the Joo Dee's start trickling in. They give everyone, especially Zuko, the creeps. Zuko would have been really unnerved by that mother who didn't recognize her own daughter.

Anyway the Dai Li's presence had increased in district 27 and now everyone is on their best behavior. Jet and Longshot and Smellerbee don't know that much about them at this stage. Jet has been constantly supervised at the shelter and Smellerbee and Longshot's shops aren't really on the Dai Li radar.

Zuko is trying to do a nice thing for Jet when he warns him about the Dai Li. Because they are really **bad bastards** and Jet will attract their attention sooner or later, with the way he carries on and Zuko thinks that someone should warn him that the path he's heading down leads to calamity of some sort.

But then he says that Jet should just let his hatred of the firenation go – and there is a veritable dam burst of anger from Jet about that. In some ways this is a reflection of the scene in the _southern raiders_, when Aang tells Katara to _let it go_ without really understanding her experience. Anyway Zuko wont make the mistake of assuming things about people's prior experience with firebenders or telling anyone how they should feel about the firenation after this.

Zuko's really shocked about Jet's story, like Song's story and Katara's story later – it is something that definitely shifts the way he sees the firenation. Unarmed civilians being brutally hurt/murdered for no reason will not sit well with Zuko at all. He's been fed lies about how the **glorious firenation** is 'civilizing' all these brutish people since he was a child – but now he's seeing some of the real human suffering and it makes him uncomfortable. The more he finds out about the war, the less he likes what he knows.

Zuko would also feel a little twinge of _father jealousy_ – even though he would know it was ridiculous. Jet's father is the polar opposite of Ozai. He loved his kid, and was very self sacrificing and was willing to do anything to help his kid/stop him from being hurt and was willing to die for his kid, in the end. I think that Jet's dad was a fine man and Jet aspires to be like him… in his own way. He idolized his dad and hasn't ever been able to deal with seeing his dad killed the way he was.

I also thought about Jet, about how** intense** and **blind** his anger and hatred is. About what drives him to do the things he does. I decided that his back story must be **all kinds of tragic.** He is an intelligent, articulate young man – who could have done a great many things, but instead he festers with his desire for revenge. He can't ever let it go, and he can't make a fresh start. He was older than Smellerbee and Longshot when the rough rhinos attacked their village. He remembers it clearly and was old enough to understand what was going on, but powerless to stop it.

He has fought the firenation and looked after Longshot and Smellerbee since then. These two things make Jet **Jet.** He finds his identity in taking care of kids and being the leader of the freedom fighters. But now everything's gone to hell in a handbasket, they're living in a refugee centre and Longshot and Smellerbee are doing okay without him. They are getting old enough to look after themselves. He only has fighting the firenation left. So he clings to this role and this task and hones in on Zuko and Iroh – because Jet **needs **an enemy to fight. That is part of the reason why he keeps stalking, even though everybody else thinks it is crazy and nobody understands.

So this chapter ends on a more serious note. Jet's backstory is unveiled and the Dai Li are all around. This was the first of two times that Jet gets arrested in Ba Sing Se. This time he got off lightly, but we all know what will happen the next time.

Til then my lovelies….


	5. West of Here

0o0o0o0o0o0

West of Here

0o0o0o0o0o0

I have had what Smellerbee would refer to as a 'relapse'. I have stalked Lee again. Smellerbee and Longshot had the day off and were both babysitting me, because I _'can't be trusted'_ anymore. It was infuriating. I got up to go to the bathroom – which I am still allowed to do **unsupervised** by one of them. While I the bathroom, I popped the window and climbed out. They would be making out in my absence and wouldn't notice I was gone for a little while.

I never actually intended to stalk Lee, I just intended to run and to just be a bit free. This city is so **clustered** and **cramped** and **confining.** I miss the trees. I miss the freedom of the forest. I miss the fresh air of the countryside. I'm not a city boy. I'm not used to this. I just wanted to stretch my legs a bit and run through the district streets. There'll probably be rule about that soon. This city has so many rules. The Dai Li posted a list of **new rules** for the 27th district.

I think I actually might hate it here… just a little. We came to start over, and Smellerbee and Longshot have. But I just can't. Not here.

I ran without really much of a purpose, until I got to the park. I climb a tree and just sat in it and listened to the breeze. I may have had a nap. I woke up to the sound of conversation coming from under me. Two people had sat down in the under my tree. I think it was just really weird twisted fate that one of those people was Lee. I have said this to Smellerbee and now I am even more certain it is true. The universe does want me to stalk him!

The second person was Shameless Shameless Hussy.

**Boo. **

What does he **even see** in shameless hussy?

She had probably lured him into the park to have _her shameless, wicked way with him in the bushes._ They sat and sprawled out and Hussy pulled two bottles out of her bag and handed one to Lee. They chinked bottles. Shameless Hussy started going on about how nice it was that they both got this afternoon off and could chill out in the park. Then she was going on about how much she loved the park. I don't know how much Lee was listening. He sort of lounged back and didn't say much.

Eventually Shameless Hussy made a genius observation and said _you're being rather quiet today._ Shameless Hussy always feels the need to state the obvious. Because she is an idiot as well as a Shameless Hussy. Now that she was stating the obvious, she may as well have said _you're as sexy as fuck and I'd like to have my wicked way with you. right here. Right now. In those bushes. _ Because it is pretty obvious to me that she was thinking along those lines as she eyed off **Lee's hot body,** all stretched out in the sun. Lee's shirt had ridden up a little bit when he flopped down on the grass and he hadn't noticed it yet. I'm sure that Shameless Hussy was eyeing that bit of exposed flesh and thinking about how much she wanted to **just rip his shirt off** and see more of it.

The Hussy.

Lee didn't seem to realize the imminent danger he was in. Instead, he awkwardly asked if he could ask Shameless Hussy a question. She rolled over on her side so she was facing him and said he could ask her anything. He asked her how she came to live in the district? Shameless Hussy didn't laugh at the question. Which was a surprise – because the question was so stupid it deserves to be laughed at. Instead she gave Lee a confused look. Lee clarified and asked if the firenation had done something terrible to wherever she came from.

Shameless hussy said that she actually came from the 27th district. Now it was Lee's turn to look confused. He said that he thought everyone here was a refugee. Shameless Hussy explained that her parents were refugees. They had the usual story. The firenation burned their village down and set all the crops on fire and they had made the long journey here. But it was okay. Her parents had made a life for themselves here, and they had given up on ever moving. They had been waiting for clearance to move into one of the better districts for 18 years now. Shameless hussy had been born here. She'd lived here her whole life. She'd never even seen outside the 27th district.

Lee seemed a bit flabbergasted by this. He said _you've never been outside the district?_ As if this was the most shocking thing in the world. Shameless Hussy shrugged and she said _not for lack of trying._ And she had always tried to get a pass to the middle ring, on the _free movement_ days. But she was always denied, because she didn't have a valid reason. Wanting to explore didn't count.

Shameless Hussy said that she always wondered what life would be like in the middle ring. What it would be like to live in a house and not a tenement apartment. She couldn't even imagine life in the upper ring. She turned to Lee and said _you know, I've heard that they have like…. private gardens and shit! Can you imagine having that much space! _Lee said that was _pretty unimaginable_ dryly. Shameless Hussy said that she loved the park, but she imagined having a private garden would be like having a park all to yourself. She flopped back and said a little wistfully that she imagined people with that much space and money would **just always be happy.** _How could they ever have any problems at all?_ Lee said _you'd be surprised_ a little sarcastically.

Shameless hussy quirked her eyebrow at him quizzically (and in a way that she probably thought was enticing and sultry). She sat up and asked if he'd ever been to the upper ring. Lee said he hadn't. Shameless Hussy smiled and said _me neither, _which was another case of her stating the bleeding obvious. Idiot. She sighed and said she just wanted to see it and know what it was like. She just wanted to see what was outside the 27 district.

Lee thought for a second and then leapt to his feet and said _**alright, come with me!**_he said this in a very take-charge, commanding tone of voice that Shameless Hussy obviously found as sexy as fuck, because she complied. She asked where they were going and Lee just said _you'll see,_ in that mysterious enigmatic tone he uses when he wants to confuse people and make them **consumed with lust** for him. He led Hussy to an alley and at first I thought it was for a dirty alley shag!

But it wasn't. Lee asked if she was afraid if heights. She wasn't. Lee then asked how good she was at climbing, bluntly. Shameless hussy seemed confused by the question (because she's not the sharpest crayon in the box.) Lee pointed out a bar that jutted between the two buildings. It was near a balcony. Ah, I see. It would be a perfect handhold. Lee asked if Shameless Hussy thought she could pull herself up to the balcony using the bar. Shameless Hussy wasn't sure, because Shameless Hussy is not very badass or strong and spends most of her days seamstressing, rather than climbing all over the roofs of Ba Sing Se, like Lee.

This is why she is **all wrong** for Lee. He totally needs someone as agile as him.

Lee offered to give Shameless Hussy a boost. Shameless Hussy wasn't sure. She was worried they could get into trouble. Lee said that all the Dai Lee and the guards should be on lunch break for the next hour. He added, in that nervous, shy awkward tone that he sometimes feigns, that there was something at the top that he really wanted to show Shameless Hussy. The shy, awkward act seemed to convince Shameless Hussy. Maybe that's why he puts it on.

He cupped his hands and gave her a boost up to the first bar – and thus commenced the most hilarious struggle I have ever seen. Shameless Hussy is like, **fucking ridiculously bad** at this sort of thing. She didn't have any upper body strength at all. She had even less nimbleness. Lee had to carry, cajole, boost, lift, pull and push Shameless Hussy all the way to the top. There were many exclamations of_ oof, urgh, and fucking hell! _from both Lee and Shameless Hussy.

The best bit was when **she stepped on his face!** At one point he was giving her another boost. She was holding on to the roof edge, but was freaking out because she didn't think she could pull herself up just that extra _tiny _bit, because she is a bit of a wuss as well as a Shameless Hussy. Lee instructed her to put her foot on his shoulder and she stepped right on his face instead. There was muffled swearing from Lee and apologies from Hussy. It was awesome! It really brings a new definition to letting a woman walk all over you!

Eventually he got Shameless Hussy to the top. They both caught their breath (Because Lee had to lift Shameless Hussy up the last little bit – and she wasn't light). Shameless Hussy said she'd been a good sport, but now she wanted to know what was up here that Lee wanted to show her. Lee said _look around _like it was the most obvious thing in the world_. _ Shameless Hussy did so and gasped in amazement at the view.

Lee said that this was the highest point in the 27th district and you could nearly see the whole city from here. Awkwardly and shyly again. What the fuck did he want from Shameless Hussy now? Did he want to **shag her on the roof top?** He always uses the shy-voice when he wants Hussy to agree to something. Shameless Hussy was just a ball of delight at this moment and probably would have agreed to roof shagging. She was very enthusiastic about the view. She couldn't believe how big the city looked from up here.

They sat next to each other at the roof point and Lee started pointing shit out. There was the start of the 22nd district. Back there was the retaining wall between the lower ring and the agricultural belt. The walls between the middle ring and the upper ring were pointed out. Lee said that if Shameless Hussy squinted, she would be able to see just the top of the Earth Kingdom Palace in the distance. Shameless hussy squinted and looked comically ugly while doing so. Squinty Mc-Squinty face. She made a delighted noise when she could see it.

She gushed that this was amazing and it was incredible and it was amazing. Lee said now she could say she had seen outside of the 27th district. Shameless Hussy gave him a big hug and said thanks. She asked if Lee knew where the _village of whatever _was. It was where her parents were from. I have blanked the name. Whatever. I'm sure it is a buttfuck town anyway. Lee didn't say that he didn't care what buttfuck town Shameless Hussy's parents came from. Instead he indulged her and said that it was north-east of here – so it would be **that way. **It was obvious to me that Lee was just pointing in any old direction. But Shameless Hussy squinted pointlessly in that direction anyway.

She asked where Lee was from and he said _a long way that west_ _of here_ and pointed in the direction he obviously thought west was. She squinted pointlessly in that direction too. Don't actually know why Shameless Hussy did this because it is not as if you can see past the agricultural belt wall from here.

She thanked Lee sincerely. He said that he just thought it would be nice for her to see outside the 27th district. She scooted over till she was practically sitting on top of him. She asked if there was anything she could **do for him** in return. Was there anything he wanted? Lee looked off in the direction he obviously thought his home was and said that _he wanted things he couldn't have_ wistfully_._ Shameless Hussy fell for his _wistful-I-miss-my-home_-act and scooted even closer and put her arm around his shoulders and ruffled his hair. Gah she is touching the hair again! She ruined the hair again and it stuck up in odd angles after she ruffled it.

She asked if there was anything he wanted that she could do for him? Anything he wanted in the 27th district? Lee did not understand the subtext of what Shameless Hussy was saying. What she was really saying _was come here you delicious slice of roof-climbing-man-meat! My body is ready! _Lee totally missed the offer for a **dirty roof shag** and said the only thing he wanted to happen in the 27th district was for ME to stop stalking him.

Lee is thinking about ME instead of shagging Shameless Hussy.

Shameless Hussy seemed to get mood whiplash from this abrupt change of subject and asked _who's Jet?_ with some bemusement. Lee said_ Just some fucking psychopath who's irrationally obsessed with me._ I beg to differ! There is nothing **irrational** about my Lee obsession. Lee is firenation and I am fighting the firenation as best I know how. There's nothing **irrational** about that.

Shameless Hussy thought for a second and then said _does this Jet have __**over plucked eyebrows**__ and swagger about like he thinks __**he's- all-that**__?_ Lee said _that sounds like him._ Shameless hussy said that her friend Ling had been on a date with me and apparently, according to Ling, all I had talked about was Lee and I had been obsessed with making him serve me – was this the same guy? Lee nodded and said _that's Jet alright. _Lee said that all he wanted was for someone to just **save him** from my irrational stalking_. Next time he comes up to me, I just want someone to come along and make him __**shut up**__ and __**go away.**_ Lee said that he had tried everything he knew to discourage me and I still relentlessly followed him everywhere and it was **really starting to piss Lee off.**

Shameless Hussy, in a vain attempt at restoring the sexy moment from before, said that she didn't know what to do about me. But she had a surprise for Lee. Lee looked dubious and asked _what surprise?_ She said he had to close his eyes. He did so – because he is also an idiot. Shameless Hussy puckered up and started to lean in to kiss him.

What a hussy!

I thought _Fuck No! _There is no way I am going to let something good happen to Lee. Not on my watch. I want Lee to continue living a **life of suck –** because it makes me feel better knowing that his life is **more shit** than mine. Lee obviously thinks a Hussy Snog would be a good thing and it was up to me to ruin it for him.

I had a spark rock in my pocket and I picked it out and pegged it as hard as I could at Lee's head.  
I had been watching sneakily from the roof next to them, and doing this would give away my position, but it was worth it to see Lee's _Incredulous and Irritated face._ The spark rock hit him square in the back of the noggin at just _the crucial moment. _He swore and grabbed his head and whipped around and saw me. He said **Jet! is that you? **I confirmed that it was and revealed myself fully. He said **Jet you are fucking fuckwit! What the fuck is your fucking problem**. I said **You are my problem!** He said he was about to be an **even bigger problem** for me because he was going to kick my arse. He scooted back and made like he was about to run up and jump onto my roof – but the Shameless Hussy grabbed his arm and held him back. She said she didn't think fighting on the roofs was such a good idea.

I said he should listen to his girlfriend and scrambled off feeling pleased with myself. Lee shouted _She Is Not My Girlfriend! _after me and I felt even more pleased. I have now **killed that romantic moment** good and proper. There will be no snogs and certainly no shags for Lee in the near future.

-o-  
When I got back to the Refugee centre, I was met by an irate Smellerbee and Longshot. They have been looking everywhere for me and where had I been? Maintenance had to break down the door of the bathroom! Did I know how long Mrs Chang had 'waited' for me?

Apparently, at first when my absence was noted, Smellerbee and Longshot had just assumed that I was wanking in the bathroom. But then I was gone for so long and not even I took that long to have a wank. They noticed that a large queue had formed for the bathroom. It is the only communal one our floor, after all. Smellerbee and Longshot tried to coax me out of the bathroom but very quickly realized that I had absconded through the window. Maintenance has busted the door in an attempt to open it, Smellerbee and Longshot have spent all afternoon looking for me. In short everything is all my fault and Where Was I?

I was still on an adrenaline high after ruining Lee's romantic moment and I may have ill-advisedly confessed this to Longshot and Smellerbee. There was eye-rolling from Longshot and swearing from Smellerbee to accompany this pronouncement. Smellerbee wailed _Not again!_ I said _yes again,_ and this time I had proof! Lee must be a firebender. He said he came from the west when he was on that roof with Hussy. _What else is in the west?_

The Firenation!

He is so obviously firenation and now he has as good as confessed it! Smellerbee looked dumbfounded. She asked me _Do you actually listen to what you say Jet – or are you finding you drift in and out?_ She said that if I actually listened to what I was saying - I would realize that what I was saying **was nuts.** Crazy. Whack. She said that **more than half the earth kingdom was west of here.** _We had come from the west._ Most of the refugees here came from the west.

Smellerbee has decided that I need **real and proper therapy.** I have _Problems. _Problems that are beyond her and Longshot. She and Longshot love me and they want to stay with me and help me with my _problems._ And the first problem we have to deal with is my stalking. That is a problem that has now gotten officially **too creepy for words.**

-o-

Fucking Smellerbee!

I cannot believe she did this. This is such a betrayal. She made an appointment with Dr Wang (the guy she bought the beard and the book from). He is back in the lower ring on Tuesday. Smellerbee has paid a deposit, but she lacked the full funds.

She has now asked Lee to borrow the rest of the money. For my therapy.

And Lee has given it to her.

**What the Actual Fuck!**

Smellerbee said _Lee didn't mind._

I was not **fucking angry** about whether or not Lee would mind!

That was last on my list of things that I was angry about re: this development.

Smellerbee explained that Lee had the money. The Teashop is unrelenting busy around the clock now. It is constantly full. Smellerbee doesn't even know how they manage to churn out the tea at the rate that they do – to have that sheer volume of customers through the place. She says that Lee and Fat Uncle are doing all right for money. Smellerbee and Longshot aren't, and can't afford to pay for my therapy on their wages.

Lee is apparently willing to pay **anything **to _get me the fuck away from him_ and was keen on the idea. He says I definitely need **help **of the professional description. He apparently said_ Jet is the craziest motherfucker I have ever come across and __**that is saying something!**_ Smellerbee also knows about me **ruining** Lee's moment with Shameless Hussy. Lee told her over tea and dumplings. I got most irate at her knowing this and talking with Lee over tea and dumplings.

Were they gossiping like_ old women_ over tea and dumplings?

Eventually she confessed that she and Lee had a gossip about me over tea and dumplings. But they hadn't been gossiping like old women. Just gossiping like one concerned friend and one irate tea-server.

I hate this evil, unholy alliance between Smellerbee and Lee.

**She is fraternizing with the enemy. **

Smellerbee says I need therapy if only so that I will stop using phrases like _Fraternizing with the enemy._

-o-

Therapy is ridiculous and pointless and useless.

Met Dr Wang today. He was wearing one of his therapy beards – because he thinks it makes him smarter. Yes that is the sort of Doctor He is. The sort that wears a fake beard to make himself seem smarter. I am ignoring all his advice – because I am not taking advice from such a ridiculous, wrong and stupid source.

Wang got me to lie on a couch and relate my various woes. I told him about Lee stalking, because that is the reason I am in therapy in the first place. There was a long silence after I finished my tale of **my quest to prove that Lee is a firebender. **I looked at Dr Wang. Dr Wang looked at me, blinked twice and said _dude, that is messed up _under his breath. I got very shouty and stood up and said that he wasn't supposed to say things like that. He was meant to help me figure out how to catch Lee, so that he would be locked up and out of my life and I will stalk him no more. Smellerbee seems to think Dr Wang can make me stop stalking Lee, but the only way that will happen is if I see Lee dragged off in chains – to be **punished** for being a dirty, sneaking firebender.

Dr Wang said that I obviously misunderstood the point of therapy. He was not going to help me catch Lee. Instead he whacked me with his beard and said **What are you doing! What, what, what are you doing! **He wanted me to **look at my life** and **look at my choices.**

I got shouty again, about the firenation and how their choices led me to make my choices. He said catharsis was good and I should let it out. When I had calmed down again, he asked me if I had any proof -aside from a hot cup of tea- that Lee was a firebender. He wanted to know what exactly I was basing my suspicion on. I said that the Uncle complained about the tea being cold and when I looked back the tea was steaming. Wasn't that proof enough? I am very fed up of explaining and justifying this to people at this point.

Dr Wang sat back and said that was in early spring then. It was cold. Tea would only have to be luke-warm to steam the air at that time of year. And luke-warm tea was not to everybody's taste and might seem cold to people. Had I considered that? In all my weeks of stalking, I had not. Dr Wang continued and said it was not Lee's tea to begin with – so why did I focus all my energy on following him around. I was momentarily speechless.

Dr Wang saw my speechlessness as an opportunity for him to launch in with his ridiculous and erroneous theory. He said that in his 'professional opinion" I had focused on Lee because Lee was the first boy I had a **serious crush** on and I was unable to emotionally deal with the implications of that.

According to Dr Wang, when Lee rejected my advances, my attention to his person turned hostile. Dr Wang said I was hostile to Lee because I had not yet come to terms with my bisexuality. He was not judging. He had been bisexual too. For a while.

But bisexuality was a part of myself that I did not accept. I had become hostile to Lee as a way of physically pushing away the various feelings of sexual attraction that he aroused in me. Dr Wang thinks that I am actually desperately looking for proof that Lee is a firebender, so that I can justify my hatred for him, but this would, in effect, be reinforcing my self-hatred. He said _you want him to be a firebender because you __**like **__this boy and that __**frightens**__ you. So you have made him into your enemy in your head._ That was the mystery of the source of my obsession with Lee, according to Dr Wang, in a nutshell.

I protested that Dr Wang was wrong about me. So wrong. **Wrong wrong wrong.** Lee really was firenation. He was. Dr Wang pointed out that I had said that I actually had no proof of this. My entire theory was based of an old man with a cup of tea. I protested that it was more that that. It was the way Lee walked, all stiff posture and fluid movements. Only firebenders walked like that. Dr Wang raised an eyebrow and said _you spend a long time watching his fluid movements, don't you?_

I stormed out at that point.

Because Dr Wang is a crackpot.

And wrong!

-o-

Is he right about me?

-o-

* * *

- La notes -

Intro: This is Jet, from my fic _Jet's troubling obsession._ He is about to get arrested by the Dai Lee and thrown into prison and brainwashed….this fate could have been avoided If he had a **Sassy Gay Therapist.**

Actually this fate won't be avoided, because Jet ignores his Sassy Gay Therapist.

Dr Wang is a big nod to **Sassy Gay Friend.** If this is a mystery to you, I recommend you-tubing **Sassy Gay friend **and **Romeo and Juliet** and all will make better sense. He is also a nod to Stanley Tucci's dad character in _Easy A._ I just saw that movie and had no expectations, but oh how I laughed. So the line 'I was bisexual too…for a while' is a nod to how brilliant Stanley Tucci is in that movie. There is also a great deal of hilarity for me in the fact that Jet is seeing a therapist calling _Dr Wang_ about his recently discovered love for willies.

Dr Wang is also the inspiration for Sokka's Wang Fire therapist persona.

Note: serious moment lovelies.

Though I am taking the piss out of Dr Wang in this chapter, I would like to say that I think that therapy and counselling, in and of itself, can have amazing benefits for people and shouldn't be ridiculed. Bisexuality/homosexuality should also never be ridiculed. All People, regardless of their sexuality, need to be treated with respect. There is a lot of negative rhetoric about bisexuality/homosexuality. I find it upsetting and do not wish to contribute to it. Though this fic is written primarily with shiggles and comedy in mind, I acknowledge that discovering that you have a different sexuality in our heterosexist world can be a terrible and unfair struggle. And acknowledging that you would wish to have therapy, for whatever reason, is difficult thing to do in an ableist society and should be commended.

End serious moment.

In this chapter, Zuko has actually taken something from his fight with Jet last chapter. He realizes how much the firenation have hurt the people he is living with – as pretty much everyone in the district is a refugee. He is worried that Jin also has some desperately sad tale of firenation woe. Because that would make him feel guilty as all hell. He does like Jin as a friend and doesn't want to think that his country has screwed-over/hurt such a nice person. I actually **adore** Jin. I thought she was as cute as a button. I would like to bless her cotton socks. 'Lee' and Jin have been hanging out together as *just friends* a bit – during Jet's confinement last chapter.

I don't think Jin is a shameless hussy. But I think that Jet would think this and would be **blinded by jealousy** and have the most slutty interpretation for everything she does. All those things that Jet is _so sure _that _she_ is thinking are actually what Jet is thinking.

So Jin was born and raised in the 27th district and has never seen outside it. I imagine Ba Sing Se might have an intense bureaucracy system that would be nearly impenetrable. Refugees would wait for ages for further processing, unless they had a rich patron from one of the other rings to help elevate them out of the flotsam by 'knowing the right people'. I don't mean to put a downer on everything, but in real life refugee processing can take years and years and years and children can spend there whole childhood in refugee camps. 'displaced person' statistics are some of the saddest things I have ever read.

Free movement days are not really free movement days. I don't think a city as rigid as Ba Sing Se would be big on free movement. They would be business opportunities for the right people to meet with their contacts in the other districts. But ever hopeful, Jin always applies for a pass, just in case – because she really wants to see the world outside the 27th district. And now she has.

Zuko, who has been all over the world and regularly sees the rest of Ba Sing Se on his nighttime activities would have been a bit shocked by the fact that Jin has never seen outside of their small cramped district. It is something that she really wants to do, and he makes it possible for her. Bless his cotton socks. She tries to kiss him up the top – because it really is a sweet thing that he's done. And even though they are 'just friends' and had a bit of a disaster of date, she still fancies him. Especially after he has practically carried her to the rooftop.

I think that Zuko at this point in season 2, has gotten so little appreciation for anything, in such a long time. He actually does crave appreciation/positive attention. Jin's wants/needs are fairly easy for him to accomplish to get said appreciation. He lit the candles and she loved it. He helps her climb to the roof and she loves it. Making her happy and getting her thanks/appreciation is easy for him. And it's all very cute. Anyway they have a nice moment – which Jet ruins. Because Jet is rapidly developing a talent for _Ruining moments._

Jet is incredibly jealous and goes on about how unfit Jin is. Most of this is just Jet's jealously, but I also wanted to illustrate that though everyone in the Gaang is ridiculously fit and agile – not everyone in the Avatar world is. Because seriously, some of the stunts they pull off are **un-friggin-believable**. A climb that would only take Zuko 20 seconds on his own, takes him twenty minutes with Jin. Jin has my level of Upper-body strength. I could not lift myself onto the next level of a building using only my fingertips and bad-assery the way Zuko does. I would require someone to give me a boost and someone to pull me up. at least.

Zuko and Smellerbee also have developed an unholy alliance. They were already acquaintances and saw each other everyday when she delivered the dumplings to the teashop. But now they have been united by a common goal. Get Jet to stop stalking – because it worries/irritates the crap out of the both of them. So they have dumplings and tea together and talk about Jet's stalking. When Smellerbee suggested therapy for Jet – but said it would have to wait, because she didn't have the money – Zuko would have volunteered to make up the short fall (because Smellerbee's pride would have prevented her from directly asking).

Zuko has the cash and at this point he is willing to do almost anything to get Jet the hell away from him. At this point, he has tried everything he can to get Jet to stop with the stalking. He has threatened him, beat him up, tried to reason with him, avoided him, hid from him, had arguments with him and Jet has had his two friends sit on him in a public intervention – all to no avail. Jet still stalks. Zuko's comment in their last fight _you're the one that needs help _is a nod to Jet's need for professional help. Zuko also thinks that Jet is crazier than Azula (who was previously the craziest person he knew – but now must hand that title **over!)**

So this is the second last chapter to this fic. Next Chapter, there will be a misunderstanding (the sort of misunderstanding that is always happening to Jet) and Jet will try to kiss 'Lee'. Lee will not react well and there will be Drama and Shenanigans. Oh Noes!

Til then lovely readers…..


	6. A kiss with a fist

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

A kiss with a fist.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

-#-

Dr Wang was so wrong! And I was determined to prove him wrong. I'm going to go and find Lee. I was meant to wait for Smellerbee. She was going to pick me up after my session. But because I had stormed out early – she wasn't here yet. Felt a little bad about leaving her in the lurch – but I had some really important business to settle.

I had to show everyone that I was not attracted to Lee in the slightest. See everybody thinks I have a crush on Lee. Everybody! Including Longshot, Smellerbee, random guardsmen, shameless hussy and great arse. Including Lee himself. And **I really don't**. There is no way I could possibly like him _like that_ and I was so sick of everybody telling me that I did. I was following him everywhere only to catch him out firebending. Not for any other reason.

He's a firebender.

He **has **to be a firebender.

Because I have not slept with as many hot chicks as I have (and I have slept with **heaps of hot chicks. Tonnes of hot chicks**) just to turn around and suddenly decide that I want to shag a grumpy boy with terrible hair and then develop a massive crush on that boy and follow that boy around everywhere.

I am not _like that!_

There is no way I could possibly be _like that._ Besides, even if I was _like that_ – I could get **any boy **I wanted. I'm friggin awesome. **Everybody fancies me!** I'm a sexy person. Hardly anyone can resist me. So if I did want Lee _like that – _I would have had Lee _like that,_ way before now! Lee would be **lucky **to have a great guy like me! I would make an excellent boyfriend.

But that is irrelevant – because Dr Wang is **wrong** and I do not think of Lee in _that _way at all.

Even if I have the occasional thought about how graceful Lee moves – it is **in no way **a _sexual _thought. It is a_ predatory_ thought. Like how the tigerdillo might consider how gracefully the rabbiroo jumps. The tigerdillo doesn't want to **fuck **the rabbiroo – it just wants to** eat** **him all up!** This is actually a perfect explanation/illustration on exactly why I stalk Lee. I will use this in the next argument that Smellerbee and I have about the stalking. I will tell her that knowing more about how the rabbiroo jumps will help the tigerdillo catch the rabbiroo and eat him.

And not eat him in the** sexy way.**

Eat him in the finally** "ah –ha! I finally caught him and now I'm getting some satisfaction" way!**

Seeing Lee dragged away to be punished for being an annoying, dirty, agile, wily, evil, life-ruining firebender would make me** very satisfied. **

All I want is some satisfaction!

Is that too much to ask!

-#-

It was!

Lee not at teashop. Lee's fuckwit boss told me that he was at the market – there had been a sausage emergency and he had been sent out to get some.

I went to market place.

-#-

Found Lee and he was with Shameless Hussy. Hussy was helping him pick out a sausage. Why didn't she just cut to the chase and say _hey Lee, I'd like to __**fondle your sausage,**__ okay._ Anyway Lee was oblivious to Shameless Hussy's designs on his sausage. He seemed to genuinely think that they had run into each other by accident and Shameless hussy was only trying to help him with his errand.

This incensed me for several reasons. 1) Lee is meant to be getting sausage, not chatting with Shameless Hussy! He was slacking off and I think his boss would have thoroughly disapproved of this! He was not giving his sausage-mission the attention it deserved and was paying way too much attention to Shameless Hussy! 2) Shameless Hussy is a shameless liar. She is a liar, liar- pants on fire! She came right up to Lee and said "fancy meeting you here" – like it was an accidental meeting. When I am sure she had been lying in wait trying to fabricate a meeting. She was on her lunch break – so she would have had time to go to the teashop and _steal all their sausages_ so that Lee had to come out to the market – all in order to "accidentally" bump into him here. She is so fucking sneaky! 3) Shameless Hussy is a shameless hussy and Lee could do so much better and he shouldn't look so fucking pleased to see the wench. 4) She greeted him by mussing his hair – she touched the hair AGAIN! will that Shameless Hussy ever learn?

I stomped right up to Lee because I was determined to have this confrontation with him now – Hussy or no Hussy. She'd just have to fuck right off because Lee and I had _an issue _that we needed to discuss. I could pinpoint the moment Lee saw me in his peripheral vision because he rolled his eyes and whined oh_ here we go _in an exasperated tone of voice. Shameless Hussy also turned and saw me. Then she made a little frowny face at me – that I am sure she thought was scary. But it really wasn't.

I tried to push between them and told her to fuck off and I needed to speak to Lee. Lee got stroppy and told me not to talk to his _oh-so-precious_-Hussy that way. Shameless Hussy did not fuck off. She didn't seem bothered by me telling her to fuck off. Instead she said _excuse me Jet, _in a polite voice and tried to push past me. And I don't even know why I did this, but some automatic manners-reflex kicked in. because she said _excuse me_ politely, I responded politely and I stepped back. They she really pushed past me and did the **sluttiest thing I have ever seen.**

She **totally snogged Lee** right in front of me – and the whole market – like the big wanton Hussy I always knew her to be! She just stood on her tippy-toes and grabbed his face and _went for it!_

**Just balls-out snogged him. **

He seemed _surprised as all fuck_ that she had done this. But he kissed her back because he is also a _big slutty slut_ who will kiss anyone back – even Shameless Hussy.

Hussy was getting into it! She slipped him _old slurpy_ pretty quick and then it was all open-mouth/tongue-kissing and her hands were all in his hair. He wasn't pushing her away- he mostly just seemed really fucking surprised for the first bit – but then he seemed to get into it too. He seemed to really enjoy it when Hussy pushed him up against the wall (probably because it reminded him of all their **dirty alley shags** against a wall – I always knew they were both alley shag kind of people.)

At first I tried to interrupt and said various exclamations on _excuse me! I am right here!_ And_ Lee, I have a bone to pick with you! _But they both ignored me. Well Lee ignored me. Hussy took the time to take one hand off Lee's head (honestly- what was she **doing** to his hair!) and flip me the bird!

Which was JUST RUDE!

But then I realized that I was being a bit creepy – because I was still watching them. And there is only so long you can watch two people make out, before it becomes **weird **and** creepy** and **wrong.** Even I have my standards. I stalk Lee, but not at all in a _creepy_ way. I stalk in a _trying to bring a firebender to justice_ way – and that's not creepy at all.

And it made me **so mad** to watch something good happen to Lee. I was really **fucking furious**. I didn't want to watch them kiss a second longer. I can confront Lee later when he doesn't have a hussy shaped growth attached to his face! I said with as much venom as I could _I'll leave you two sluts to it! _And stomped off!

I didn't stomp off far – just far enough into fooling them that I was stomping away. I stomped around the corner near where they had been standing and waited. They broke apart a few moments after my stomp off. I know this because there was the wet smushy sound of an intense kiss ending.

Lee spoke first and said _oh my goodness -_ like he was a 90-year-old-woman that had just been surprised in her bathtub. Hussy said, in a really annoying cheerful voice, _consider yourself saved _to Lee. This was closely followed by _saved? what?_ from Lee, in his regular confused yet grumpy voice.

Shameless Hussy said that the other day he had said that all he wanted was someone to save him from my stalking. Someone to just magically make me shut up and go away – because nothing Lee did worked. Shameless Hussy pointed out that I had now shut up and left them alone and fucked off somewhere. Because no one could watch to people make out for an extended period of time without feeling like a creepy weirdo.

There was a pause and then Lee asked, in a genuinely baffled sounding voice, if that was the only reason Hussy had kissed him – just to get rid of me. Hussy said no, but she was willing to provide her assistance in getting rid of me in the future, should Lee need it.

Now, I hate Shameless Hussy, it is true- but she had style here. She was putting it **all out there.** But I knew she was going to get shot down, simply because no amount of style matters when dealing with the **obtuse lump of social ineptitude** that is Lee.

Lee fucked this up so badly.

She's never going to sleep with him now.

Can I just say that Lee is destined to disappoint **many women** with his absolute inability to read social cues. It was clear to me that Hussy wanted to **do **him right then. She wanted him to take her in a manly fashion. Rather than take her up on her offer – he made everything as **awkward as fuck.** I hope Hussy learns her lesson from this and never kisses him again!

Honestly, he could be gay.

I hope he is – just because he has absolutely **no fucking idea about girls**. I hope he's gay – just for the sanity of floozies everywhere. Lee is the sort of boy that just** attracts** floozies! If someone doesn't intervene, he will lead a trail of **bamboozled** and** confused** and **sexually frustrated** floozies in his wake. Wherever he goes, floozies will come on to him. Then he will misunderstand and bollocks it up and then make the floozy run away from the veritable hot-mess of awkwardness that Lee makes these situations into.

That was what Hussy opted to do at least. After she made her play for Lee – there was small silence. Then Hussy choose to make it worse and said_ okay, I feel awkward and embarrassed now, so I'm going to go. I'll see you later Lee._ And she ran off. She ran right past me and didn't even notice me – her face was bright red –like she'd rubbed beetroot juice all over it.

The captain of Lee's brainship seemed to return to his post a moment too late (or perhaps the captain of Lee's brainship is permanently drunk on the job – that would actually explain a lot about Lee). Anyway Hussy ran down the alley, all fluttery and embarrassed. And a moment later Lee said _Hussy wait!_ Well he used her real name, but I refuse to acknowledge it.

He came down the alley after Hussy and I struck. I took him by surprise and tackled him to the ground. Sausages went everywhere because Lee dropped them in alarm. Ha! Take that Lee. Lee was severely unimpressed by this turn of events and was **struggling like crazy** against my _overpowering awesomeness_ and trying to escape. I was trying to get him in a headlock and he was reciprocating and it was messy. This was not elegant fighting. This was just plain old fisticuffs.

And then things started to get immature.

Not that Lee was acting mature to begin with – but now he was just being a petty child. He was accidentally smushing my hair when he was trying to get me in a headlock. I voiced opposition to this unnecessary dishevelment of my hair. I told him that if he knew **how long** it took to get my hair like that and how ANGRY it made me when people touched my hair – he'd leave the hair the fuck alone. This seemed to encourage the prick. He started pulling my hair with gusto – like he was a nine-year-old girl with pigtails. I returned the favour. We were actually in a hair pulling stalemate.

This would not do.

I saw the fallen sausages out of the corner of my eye. So I let Lee go – and quick as a flash I grabbed one of the big sausages and **slapped him over the head with it.** I had just meant to gain the element of surprise (because everyone is surprised to be slapped with sausages). But the sausage burst on impact with Lee's thick skull – and he got a bit of sausage juice/meat in his eye.

It must have stung like a motherfucker. Lee swore a blue streak. Lee's bit-of-sausage-in-the-eye drama gave me the advantage I needed and I pressed it. I wrestled him to the ground and managed straddle him and pin his arms by his side. **I totally won this round.** I had caught him fair and square. There was a lot of _what the fuck?_ and _fuck you Jet! _coming from Lee. Also the occasional _I can't believe you hit me with a sausage!_ He kept struggling and trying to toss me off him. He shouted indignantly _what do you even want from me- you insane motherfucker! _

Then I felt a little awkward, because I knew I had wanted him for a purpose (other than habit). I mean attacked him for a purpose! I hadn't attacked him because I wanted him. I had attacked him to reinforce the point that **I did not want him at. All. **But now that I had won, I didn't know how to phrase that.

I wanted to tell him that Dr Wang was wrong and I was stalking him because he was a firebender, not because he was sexy. Furthermore, I did not think he was sexy at all. I didn't fancy him in the slightest. But perhaps my wrestling him to the ground and getting _all up close and personal_ and _touchy feely_ with him might have been counterproductive in proving this particular point. I decided to try and prove it anyway. I told Lee that I had something to say – and he had to stop fucking struggling and listen. Lee told me to _go fuck myself_, but stilled.

I started by saying that my therapist had said something and I needed to address it with Lee. Lee rolled his eyes and put on a long-suffering superior voice and asked _what is it?_ I was miffed that he was acting so superior –when I was currently sitting on him. No one should sound so posh and superior when they have just been **beaten with a sausage.**

I got distracted by his condescending superiority. I wanted to take him down a peg or two – so I said_ I can't believe how much you fucked up back there with the slutty hussy, __**you moron**__. You could be having sex right now. _Lee looked confused and asked if I had been there _the whole time._ I said I had and I had heard everything. Lee raised his one good eyebrow and said _okay three things 1) you really are a creepy pervert – you know that right?_ _2) "hussy"_ (he used her name – but I still refuse to acknowledge it) _is __**not a slut **__and I'm going to __**mess your face **__if you call her that again. 3) I couldn't be having sex– because you are __**sitting on me**__ right now._ He was acting superior again – so I repeated everything he said in this faux posh voice and took the piss out of him. He got stroppy and said _I don't sound like that!_ I repeated _I don't sound like that_ in the posh voice.

Lee got fed up and muttered _That's it – I'm telling Smellerbee we need to get our money back– therapy has made you __**crazier.**_He started to struggle again in earnest and nearly managed to roll me off – so I got my point out quickly. I pushed him back down on the ground and said _Just so we are clear – I think you are the __**ugliest motherfucker**__ this side of the firenation and I don't fancy you at all. _

Lee rolled his eyes and then rolled himself! He did this **really crazy flip thing**. I don't even know what the fuck happened. Lee was like an irate, tea-serving ninja. Everything is a bit of a blur – somehow I ended face down in the alley and Lee was on top of me with his knee pressing into my back. And he had twisted my left arm behind me in a way that way distinctly uncomfortable. He was leaning on me enough to stop me from moving – but not enough to hurt me.

He sounded well and truly fed-up and said _What the fuck! Is that what you wanted to tell me _incredulously. I said I just thought he needed to come to terms with the fact that he was an _ugly berk_ and no one was ever going to _shag him._ I, for one, would never shag someone with _half their face all burned and scarred and nasty._

Low blow – I know.

Lee leaned on me harder and said that he would **Never Shag Me either** and the fact that I thought he was ugly did not bother him because so did every. single. person on the friggin planet. I didn't need to attack Lee in an alley to remind him of it. Also I was a fucking dickhead.

The usual insult trade ensued. But Lee said abruptly _look I don't have time for your shit right now Jet – I have to get back to work. Can you promise to __**play nice**__ and __**go the fuck away**__ if I let you up?_ He said it in such a patronizing tone of voice. I agreed. As soon as he let me up I shoved him again. Lee shoved me back. We had a small shoving match. He gave me a massive shove and told me to _quit it_. Then he stopped pushing back for some reason and took a deep breath. He said that he had to get back to help his Uncle – so he was going to leave. Then with what appeared to be a great deal of self control he clenched his fists and started to walk away.

Something in the worried way he mentioned his Uncle niggled at me. There was an unusual cadence to the way he said that. There was something weird way he was trying to be a _good boy_ and _not fight me_ – even though I knew he wanted to. I pointed out that he was a pansy ass for walking away from a fight. He sighed in exasperation and told me to **use my fucking head.** The Dai Li were everywhere now – and even though I seemed hell-bent on attracting their attention – Lee did not want any trouble. He turned to go again.

I realized something quite quickly – in one big jumbled mess of realization.

His Uncle.

Fat Uncle didn't get cold, wandering about his apartment **naked,** in the icy air of early spring. It hadn't occurred to me then because the nudity was disgusting – and drove all other thoughts from my mind. Smellerbee saying to Longshot _honestly they are both doing okay for money -their shop is so busy now. _Longshot giving her a look that said _they must go through firewood like crazy to heat all the hot water for the tea_ _and firewood is expensive – I wouldn't count on them helping us out forever. _ I knew there wasn't a great supply of firewood at the back – but there was the Fat Old Uncle who didn't seem to feel the cold at all - in the kitchen that produced far more hot tea then it should be able to. Nobody said anything because the tea was so good – but it wouldn't take much to make them see the irregularity. Lee saying _the Dai Li are everywhere now._ Lee's extreme reluctance to attract their attention. Because they wouldn't need to be paying that much attention to see that something was not right about that Uncle of his.

Dr Wang saying _your only proof is the old man with the tea._

I couldn't be sure if what I thought was correct – but I knew I'd be able to tell for sure from Lee's next reaction. If he laughed it off – I was wrong. If he didn't….well then. I said in a voice as low and menacing as I could muster _It's your Uncle, isn't it? He's the firebender. You're worried about leaving him alone with the Dai Li everywhere. _

Lee's reaction was enormous, instantaneous and violent. He was fierce! He turned and tackled me and grabbed me in a headlock and kneed me right in the gut – so I was winded really badly. But I didn't even feel it. I felt a righteous rush of vindication. **I was fucking right!** He would have never reacted like this if I were wrong.

He always acts like my accusation that he is a firebender are **one big joke.** He never took me seriously when I was stalking him and accusing him of being a firebender – perhaps because _he was never a firebender to begin with_. I haven't seen him do anything that could be remotely construed as firebending. His Uncle on the other hand…

I think he must have been holding back a little in all our previous fights – but he wasn't holding anything back now. In no time flat - he had me pressed against the wall, and had one hand around my throat and one hand pulled back to punch me in the face. But I didn't even care – because** I was fucking right! **

He said _lets get one thing fucking clear right now – my Uncle is not a firebender and you are to stay the fuck away from him! _

I burst out laughing because he had as good as admitted it – even though he didn't know it yet. This was the most hilarious thing ever. This whole time it had been the Uncle all along. Smellerbee thought I was a crazy mofo – but I wasn't and now I could prove it to her. I had been right all along! One of them, at least, was a firebender! She was going to have to eat some massive humble pie!

Lee asked me what was _so fucking funny._ I told him that I hadn't been sure about his Uncle – but now his reaction had just confirmed for me that I was right! He would have never reacted like this if his Uncle had been innocent. But now I knew for sure there was something up about his Uncle.

Lee's eyes widened in shock and I could see the moment where he realized **how much he fucked up.** And it was glorious! Seeing Lee nervous because of me – rather than smug and frustrated and condescending **– it made my fucking day.**

He resorted to threats. He looked deadly serious _if you come near him – you'll be making an enemy out of me. Believe me, you don't want me as your enemy. _I said he already was my enemy – protecting a firebender! besides, Lee wouldn't really do anything to me. I was calling his bluff. I wasn't sure if he really would – and I don't think Lee was either. He still had his hand around my throat and one fist near my face. I braced myself for impact incase he decided to crunch into me – but he didn't.

Instead he started to squeeze down on my throat. Not hard. Not to try and strangle me – but just to let me know that he could. He put his face right close to mine and said in a low, angry voice _you fucking psycho. Believe me when I say that if you take one step towards my Uncle – if anything bad happens to him, I will not rest until I've killed you. _

At that point I tried to kiss him.

**This was a mistake!**

In my defense, I was not trying to kiss him in _that way_ or anything. But just out of curiosity. Just to see what it would be like. And also because his face was **right there! **I thought that there was **no good reason **for him to stick his face so close to mine. You don't need to stick your face that close to someone's to threaten them. There is no good reason for Lee's face to be that close to mine – unless we are going to make out. Seriously now.

Does Lee threaten everyone like this? Surely he would be able to see how sticking his face so close to someone else's and talking in a low and intimate (if somewhat angry) voice, could lead to misunderstandings.

A large misunderstanding has now occurred and **I blame Lee's face!**

**And his voice!**

I (_a normal person) _only stick my face that close to someone else's if I want to **snog them rotten.** I will confess that I thought that Lee was angling for some sort of kinky snogging session – because **to me **_(the normal person)_ that was the only reasonable explanation for him to be all up in my business like that.

I thought that all this violence and fighting was actually some sort of messed up foreplay for Lee. **Maybe he got off on it!** I will admit that when I thought that Lee wanted to kiss me – I had about a half second to entertain the idea.

I was not entirely opposed to it.

When he was getting _all up in my business_ and whispering at me in this low and menacing raspy voice, I will confess that I could see how someone would find that **sexy as all fuck**. Not me, obviously. Because I am not _that way_ inclined.

Look - it is **not gay** if I think that he wants to kiss me and I decide to indulge him!

It is **just curiosity** and nothing more!

Anyway his face was right there and so I tried leaning forward and grabbing his head. Well I grabbed his **stupid hair,** which is the same thing.

Lee's eyes widened in surprise, the second he realized what I was up to. He made a noise like _**GAH!**_and dropped me like I was a hot potato. He instantly tried to wrench free of my grasp – but I still had his hair. I smushed my face against his for the tiniest fraction of a second – before he **kneed me in the balls** (which is just fighting dirty!) and backed up all the way to the other side of the alley.

He was looking at me like he was the one being violated– when he had _just kneed me in the balls_ – and said _**Dude – what the fuck! What the actual fuck! Did you just try and kiss me!**_ with a great deal of indignation and accusation. I was crumpled up in pain (from being kneed in the balls) and couldn't speak for a moment it hurt so bad. I rolled about in pain and swore a whole bunch – until the stabbing pain subsidied (the long lingering blunt pain was still there – but the stabbing pain abated).

I pointed out that Lee was the one who tried to kiss me first. Lee looked at me, aghast. He said that he hadn't been trying to kiss me – he had been threatening to **kill **me and if I thought that death threats were an invitation for kissing – **I had problems. **I said he should stop playing coy – he knew he wanted me! I said _come on, you know you want me!_ Lee backed up another few paces and said _I really fucking don't!_

He was more nervous about me trying to kiss him than about me trying to kill him -because he is an idiot. He should be so lucky to get a kiss from me – I am a great kisser! Instead he had ruined my experiment and made me feel a little embarrassed. I felt embarrassed for a fraction of a second – because I had misread the situation so badly.

But this whole thing was Lee's fault!

Look there is no good reason to stick your face that close to someone else's – unless you want them to snog you!

Seriously now.

I'm not the one with **the problem** here Lee!

The way he was looking at me really pissed me off. He was rejecting me again. And this was so much worse and more embarrassing than the time that Smellerbee had written out that little speech for himIt was then that I realized another consequence of _the misunderstanding with Lee's face_.

Smellerbee would find out.

Lee and Smellerbee and their little chats. Smellerbee would also feel disgusting smug and vindicated and I would never hear the end of it. Smellerbee will hold this over me for so long that I may never see the sun again!

Oh fuck.

I gave Lee a giant shove and told him that of he told_ anyone_ about this little misunderstanding I would _kill him for real!_ He shoved me back and told me to _stay the fuck away from him_. I shoved him and told him to keep his mouth shut or I would shut it for him. then I decided that there was nothing for it. I was going to have to kill him anyway. He couldn't be trusted not to spill the beans to Smellerbee. I announced this plan to him. He ducked under my arm and said _not if I kill you first! _

Lee picked up one of the sausages and started whacking me with it spiritedly. I reciprocated. This second brawl got a little out of hand and spread out of the alley and into the street. There was much calamity and ado! Guards came to intervene! We were separated. Sausages were confiscated from us.

I realized with a start that I knew the guards. Ferret-face and Dopey head. Ferret face did not look pleased to see us. He also didn't seem surprised to see us. He asked us _what in the hell do you think you're doing? You both know that public brawling is severely punished!_ I didn't like the sound of severe punishment and I quickly thought of a way out. I have always been a smooth liar. I'm a quick thinker that way. I told them that we weren't fighting. Lee ruined it and said _we weren't?_

I sent him a look that said _Oh my spirits – will you shut the fuck up Lee! _

I launched into my coverstory. I said that we had been practicing a fight scene for a play. Ferret-head crossed his arms. He wasn't buying it. He asked _what play? _I wracked my brains, but the only play I could think of with a decent fight scene was _the tragedy of Oma and Shu, _which is a lame-arse girly play about love and shit. But heaps of people get killed in **nasty ways** in it and there are lots of fight scenes. So _Oma and Shu_ was what I went with it. I said that the refugee centre was doing a production of it and we were just practicing our scenes. Ferretface raised an eyebrow and said and _what scene were you practicing. _

I am an expert bullshit artist. I have a talent for it. Ferret-face wouldn't catch me out so easy. I said that we had been doing the fight scene between Ty Bolt and Ma Kusho. I said that I was Ty Bolt and Lee was Ma Kusho and looked over at Lee for corroboration.

This was a big gamble.

Lee is really trying to avoid trouble and I figured he'd back me up. But Lee is crap at this sort of thing. Also there was a big possibility that Lee would prefer to get us both **in the shit** rather than go along with my lie. Thankfully my first instinct was right. Lee would much rather claim to be in a play with me than go to lock-up and be locked in with me.

Lee copped to being Ma Kusho. I elaborated and said that we had been doing the scene where **Ty Bolt stabs Ma Kusho**. Lee shot me an exceptionally pissed off look. I sent him a look that said _don't get your panties in a twist! As if I am going to stab you __**in front**__ of the guards! _Dopey, who was the size of a platypus bear and who had pulled Lee and me apart to break up the fight, surprised us here. He said _oh that scene is __**so tragic**_in a whimsical voice and dropped Lee in his excitement (Dopey had previously had the thankless task of holding a squirming Lee back from pulling my hair – or whatever Lee had been trying to do). Ferret-face looked me up and down and said _why don't you act out the little bit for my partner here – since he is such a big fan of the scene. _

_**Bollocks!**_

We gave it a lame effort. At least I had picked a scene from a play that everybody and their grandma knew. Even Lee knew it -thank the fucking spirits! If this story fell apart and we got arrested for brawling and thrown in the holding cells together – odds are one of us wouldn't be there in the morning. The odds are that person would be Lee -because if we ended up in jail because of his bad acting I really would have killed him.

Dopey gave us back our sausages to use as swords – I stabbed Lee and he "died" unenthusiastically. Well he said _oh no! I've been stabbed _(due to his bad acting, he said this in the same tone of voice that he offers Smellerbee tea – so the dramatic tension was lost). Then he added _a plague on both your houses_ – like it was an afterthought.

Dopey looked at us incredulously and said _man you guys really need the practice – that was terrible! _He turned to Lee and offered him some constructive criticism. Dopey got down on his knees and said _you're meant to do it like this kid. _ He looked up and made angry gestures at the sky and shouted **A plague on both your houses!** With much drama and tragedy. He shouted it so loud that small children were startled. He stood back up and said to Lee _in a love story,_ _you have to die with passion!_ Lee said _I'll keep that in mind _in a deadpan tone of voice.

Ferretface was looking thoroughly amused by all this. He started to say that he was going to let Lee and I off with a warning when the mood suddenly changed in the market place. It was like an invisible ominous cloud spread over the whole market. The unmistakable sound of soldiers marching in time came. That menacing stomp-stomp-stomp.

But it wasn't soliders – it was the Dai Li.

I could tell instantly that everyone was **really fucking scared.** Even the guards. The Dai Li agents stomped over to us. I noticed Dopey move in front of Lee and Ferret-face, almost imperceptibly. There were only three Dai Li – but you could tell that even a group of twelve drunken pirates wouldn't mess with them. The guy in charge looked at Ferret-face (he is higher ranking than Dopey I think) and asked if there was a problem here. The way Dai Li thug #1 said **problem** sent a chill up my spine.

Ferret-face said there was no problem. Dai Li thug was feeling argumentative and said that they had heard reports that there was a scuffle. Ferretface said _Misunderstanding – these two practicing for a play. They were acting out the final fight scene between Ty Bolt and Ma Kusho in Oma and Shu. _

Dai Li thug was still not satisfied. He started to circle us and we all stood stock still. He said_ they said someone was shouting about firebenders – _Ferret-face is an even better bullshitter than I am. He scoffed and said _Why would anyone do that? What do we know of firebenders in Ba Sing Se. _ Dai Li looked at Ferret-face and said _so you are willing to give me you one hundred percent assurance, guardsman Lo, that there was not a single person here who was talking about the war? _Ferret-face said that he was, and besides _There was no war in Ba Sing Se. _These appeared to be the magic words – because Lee and Dopey repeated them right after Ferret-face had said them, _yeah, there is no war in Ba Sing Se._ Dai Li thug zeroed in on me. He had noticed that I hadn't repeated the magic words. This man – he just had cold, dead eyes. He made me feel cold right in the pit of my stomach. He looked me up and down and asked _and what about you boy?_

The other day – when I had told Lee that I would rather be arrested by the Dai Li than have to live in a district with a firebender. That opinion has undergone a **drastic alteration.** The Dai Li really are creepy motherfuckers. The war and fighting it is so much a part of me. the war is everywhere! Nowhere is exempt from firebenders. I never thought I would be cowed into saying it – but bloody hell, Dai Li thug scared the shit out of me! I found myself looking him in eye and answering with _There is no war in Ba Sing Se. _

He bought it – thank fuck.

The Dai Li left to go and frighten the shit out of other people. After they were out of earshot, Ferret-face breathed a sigh of relief. Dopey gave him a slap on the back and Lee said _thank you guardsman Lo._ Ferretface was** stroppy** with us and said that he wanted to impress upon us how **fucking lucky** we were that they had come to break up our fight and not the Dai Li. The Dai Li had dragged people away on the least suspicion, for a lot less than brawling.

Ferretface said that he was letting Lee off with a warning and he was going to tell Lee's Fat Uncle that Lee had been brawling in public. Lee nodded. Ferretface added _Look kid, I know that Jet is an asshole_ (oi Ferretface!) _but don't fight with him, if only for your own good._ Ferretface then turned to address the both of us and said _Whatever problems you two are having – I suggest you sort them out __**civilized-like**__ OR stay out of each other's way._ Then he told Lee to _get outta here_ and dismissed him with a little wave. Lee turned to go – but he stopped to hiss at me _stay the fuck away from my Uncle and stay the fuck away from me _as he walked past.

Ferret face was about to launch in on **my scolding **(which I imagined would be epic) – but Dopey interrupted. He was giving me a disgusted look and said _dude! Don't go for the Uncle - that's just messed up. _Both ferretface and I were confused by this utterance and said _What? _simultaneously. Dopey said _Making a play for the old Uncle is to make him jealous right? But seriously that is a __**major downgrade**__._ Dopey then decided to share some very unnecessary information with the group. _like I __**get **__the Lee obsession because __**me-oh-my that boy is fine**__! If I were twenty years younger…..But unless you've got a __**daddy complex,**__ you should leave the Uncle well alone. Never go over your age threshold. _

There was so much wrong with this sentence – I didn't even know where to begin. Dopey elaborated on his (already ridiculous) point. He said I shouldn't go for anyone over 25 – because the age threshold is double you age minus seven – so for me that was 25. I got angry and said that for the **last fucking time** – I did not fancy Lee. I do not want to do dirty things with him or shag him in an alley or kiss him or do anything with him aside from **punish him for begin him.** Also I would never go for the old Uncle – that is just nasty! And age thresholds weren't a thing. Dopey said _oh it's a thing _ with a great deal of sass.

Ferretface seemed to think that were we heading down an unhelpful tangent and called for silence. He looked at me and gave me **a thorough scolding about my stupidity. **I pointed out the unfairness of this because Lee only got a light scolding – and he had been in the fight too! It takes two to tango. Ferretface said that he was going easier on Lee because Lee was a first time offender and also he was pretty sure that I would have started the fight this afternoon. He crossed his arms and said that pretending to be in a play was cute. It was amusing. My bullshit might have amused Ferretface into letting me off with a warning.

But the Dai Li had zero sense of humor. He wouldn't be able to protect me from the consequences, if I pissed off the Dai Li. Ferretface looked me in the eye and sighed and then said _just try and behave yourself in future – unless you want to return to the holding cell. _I felt like I was three years old and being scolded by my Dad. I nodded. Ferretface looked pleased. He said _alright get outta here –_ and dismissed me with a little wave.

-#-

Smellerbee was not so lenient with me.

I got home and Longshot was there making an unhappy face at me. His facial expression was saying _where the fuck were you this afternoon? We've been worried sick._ I tried to explain my side of the story to Longshot – because this could be the only chance I'd get to tell my side uninterrupted. (Smellerbee has the tendency to interrupt with questions/indigantion).

She came storming in with a great deal of both some time later. She stormed in, saw me and took a deep breath and seemed to pull herself up to her full height. She knew! She stomped over to me and started kicking me in the shins, shouting all the while** What the fuck is wrong with you! **I sassied back that she should tell me – she was the one with the therapy book after all! And this was all her fault and if she had never sent me to therapy in the first place I would have never had to do what I did this afternoon.

Longshot tapped Smellerbee on the shoulder and gave her a look that said _what's going on?_ Smellerbee explained the events as she had heard them from Lee, this afternoon – when she went to ask if he had seen me. I made a sassy comment that of course Lee would have told her his side. She pointed her finger at me and gave me such a cross look that I was instantly silenced. She turned back to Longshot and said _I'll tell you wants going on!_ She launched into the laundry list of my ill-deeds from this afternoon. I wonder which one she was the angriest over?

she said that I had - during the course of one afternoon:

- run away from therapy, causing Smellerbee to spend the entirety of her afternoon looking for me.

- been a big creepy stalker and stood right next to Lee and Hussy and watched as they made out.

- attacked Lee and smacked him in the face with my sausage.

- fought with Lee.

- announced that I intend to stalk Uncle.

-fought with Lee again

-Tried to Kiss Lee! (I interjected that it was just a _misunderstanding involving Lee's face!)_

- engaged in more sausage whacking

- engaged in public brawling

- engaged in shenanigans with guards.

-pretended I was acting in a production of _Oma and Shu_ – to avoid trouble and also to faux stab Lee.

- caught the attention of the Dai Li

- behaved, in general, like an incredibly crazy mofo.

Smellerbee was beside herself with crossness. I was dying of embarrassment. I couldn't believe fucking Lee told her fucking everything! I wanted to fucking kill him. I had told him not to tell anybody and he had blabbed every-fucking-thing to Smellerbee. I would have to find a way to _punish _him for that!

Smellerbee was very furious about everything. She said that she wished she couldn't believe it – but with my behavior lately – she knew it was true. I said she didn't know – she had never asked me! She had just taken Lee's side instantly and come in and started berating me and it wasn't fair! She was meant to be my friend first! But now she stood their judging me!

She said _of course I'm judging you – you tried to make out with a boy who had repeatedly told you that he just wants you to leave him alone! Then you slapped him in the face with __**your sausage**__!_ She couldn't believe it had come to this. If I had whipped out _my sausage_ in public and slapped Lee with it – I had officially crossed the crazy line and was now a **permanent inhabitant of pervert town.**

There was some sort of misunderstanding involving sausages going on!

I asked if Smellerbee was laboring under the delusion that I had whacked Lee in the face with my willy? She was. Lee had told her that I had hit him with a sausage and Smellerbee said she _knew what that meant in boy-code. _I got most stroppy and said that she had the wrong end of the stick and I hit him with an _actual sausage._

Not with my willy!

**Who the fuck does that!**

Smellerbee sighed in relief and said _Well at least you didn't whip you willy out in public and slap someone with it – that is a small mercy. _ She then seemed to realize what she had said and turned to me and said _Oh my god Jet! I just said I was thankfully that you aren't whacking people with your penis in public– __**and I meant it**__! how did this become our lives! _

I got a bit offended that she actually thought me capable of something that crazy! Longshot gave me a look that said _seriously dude? _ Smellerbee ranted that how could I blame her for thinking the worst – after everything I had done lately. Ever since we had arrived in Ba Sing Se – I had been off my trolley! I accused her of always thinking the worst of me. She was wrong about the willy-slap! Who knew what else she had misinterpreted and gotten upset about for no reason. She put her hands on her hips and said Are you telling me that you didn't try to kiss Lee against his will? I explained in more detail about _the misunderstanding involving Lee's face_. Smellerbee and Longshot weren't having it. Smellerbee looked to the ceiling in exasperation and said _why me?_

I got a bit defensive – because I thought she was judging me for being _like that_ (even though I'm not _like that. _But if I was _like that,_ Smellerbee's reaction would really sting.) Smellerbee's face contorted through a few different emotions. She said how could I even think that. She and Longshot had stuck by me **through everything.** She honestly didn't care _which side of the field I pitched my tent on! _She would always love and support me and be my friend. This wasn't about that at all.

This was about the fact that I was hands down crazy now! And I really had nearly gotten into serious trouble and she was at her wits end and she didn't know what to do with me and how could I be so stupid and why could I just leave Lee alone and get on with my life.

I said I couldn't leave Lee alone when he and I were proper enemies now! (rather than just confused teaboy and stalker like we were before). I felt better having an enemy! An enemy gave me a purpose. Someone to focus on. Smellerbee asked me if I even listened to myself sometimes. She said _Jet you don't have a job, or any money and we don't have a proper place to live BUT you've now made yourself a "real" enemy! _She said **congratulations **with an incredible level of sarcasm.

I told her that she should be more supportive. She turned to Longshot and said _it's official, Jet is a knobhead._ Jet is not a knobhead! Jet finally has a proper bit of evidence that at least one of them is a firebender - after all this time. Jet will stop referring to himself in third person.

I told them that the way that Lee reacted when I threatened his Uncle **proves **that his Uncle is a firebender. Longshot gave me a look that said _you were threatening his Uncle – the only family he has - even I would want to rip your face off if I were him. _ Smellerbee got frustrated and said _oh __**not this**__ again. _She sternly commanded me to just leave the Uncle alone – for everyone's collective sanity. For My own good! She said that Lee had told her about how we'd had such a close shave with the Dai Li this afternoon. Smellerbee was genuinely worried that the Dai Li would grab me, if I kept up with this.

Smellerbee and Longshot didn't want to lose me to the Dai Li – but she said that I would get on their bad side pretty quick, if I kept carrying on about firebenders. She came over to me and put her hands on my shoulders and looked me dead in the eye and said that the time had really come – _for me to stop._ She said it so sincerely. She asked me if could I stop this, if only for them?

I wanted to say yes and mean it. I really did.

But even as I said it – I knew it was a lie.

-#-

I can't stop.

-#-

Look , Lee **has **to be a firebender now! If he's not a firebender after all this – I really will just **die of embarrassment. **So he has to be a firebender – or at least protecting a firebender. That is the only way this whole situation makes sense. If he's not a firebender, then maybe I really am _like that!_ And I refuse to accept that possibility!

Lee has, at the very least, been protecting a firebender, right here in Ba Sing Se. He has to be punished for that! He also has to be punished for telling Smellerbee **everything.** He told her **everything **– even stuff I wanted kept private! I had warned him there would be consequences if he told anyone.

That's what I am doing tonight. Teaching Lee about the consequences of his actions. Teaching him not to mess with me. Teaching him not to make me think he wants to kiss me and then take it back and act like **I'm the crazy one! **I think getting his Uncle hauled away for questioning will be apt punishment for Lee's crimes!

I don't know if I can prove anything against Lee – but his Uncle is a firebender. I am sure of it, even though Smellerbee and Longshot think it is nuts. If I can prove it – then they will know for sure that I am **not crazy.** All I need is for people to just look at the Uncle and think logically – they will come to the same conclusion I did.

And if it hurts Lee to see fat Uncle dragged away **then good!**

If they drag Lee away to – then that is **even better!**

He hurt me!

He embarrassed me!

He deserves it!

I have a plan, and it is a good one. The Fat Uncle is definitely a firebender, but he has no other fighting skills. If he were threatened – if it was a matter of life and death – he would have to use his bending to defend himself. If someone were to threaten him, in front of a large crowd of witnesses – then everyone would see! Everyone would know that he is a firebender and that I am **not crazy.**

At dinner, I'll go to the "bathroom" again. That will give me a few minutes head start ahead of Longshot and Smellerbee. When they notice, I've absconded again, they'll come after me. They don't understand. But they will when they see Uncle firebend! They will apologise for how they have been acting like I'm crazy these past few weeks. Even if Longshot and Smellerbee don't catch up in time to see Uncle firebend, the teashop is always packed at dinner and that will give me all the witnesses I need.

I have to do it tonight. Because I am tired of waiting for them to show their evil bending ways! I just need to force Fat Uncle's hand. Force him to reveal himself and all my problems are solved. He'll be dragged off. Even if the Dai Li don't take Lee as well, he won't stay without his Uncle. He'll go after the Uncle, I'm sure of it –and land himself into strife all on his own. Then he will also be out of my life.

Without Lee around - I can move on and start my life properly, and this whole messy, horrible confusing time will be over. Soon, me and my two hook swords are going to rid this city of an evil firebender and Lee once and for all!

They just rang the gong for dinner, so I am going to finish this here.

Then next time I write, I will be writing victoriously about how the Dai Li have finally been good for something and taken Lee and Fat Uncle away.

-#-

Fin

-#-

* * *

Author's notes:

So this is the final chapter of Jet's troublesome obsession. Thank you very much for reading and I hope you enjoyed it. We all know how Jet's plan to get "Lee" and Uncle arrested is going to pan out for him. Huge enormous giant thank you to everyone who reviewed! You guys are marvelous!

So Jet's ultimate demise happens all in one day. Therapy in the morning – then an intense afternoon – and then and Ill-fated plan to attack a teashop at dinner time. YMMV but I think that having an intense day contributed to Jet snapping and deciding that 'he was tired of waiting' despite the dangers of the Dai Li.

One of the big things that caused Jet to go a little extra nutty was the attempted kiss and Zuko's prompt and violent refusal. It was a big thing for Jet to admit to himself that he was entertaining the idea and to act on it – only to have it be thrown in his face. It drastically increases his desire to push away his sexuality (eg punish Lee – because Lee is the one who brings these thoughts out in him).

Jet blames Lee for bringing out this side of his sexuality. He blames Smellerbee and Longshot for not believeing him/making him feel like he is crazy. Jet blames everyone else but himself in this chapter – but if he learned to look inward (Look at your life, look at your choices) he would have been in a much better place to deal with his issues and he never would have been arrested.

The other more successful Kiss in this chapter is the one that Jin gives Zuko to "get rid of Jet." this is just me playing with the **fake-out/make-out trope.** It is common for two characters to "kiss" as a disguise or to make other people feel uncomfortable and go away. I think this happens in real life to – I see two people going for it – I will give them some privacy and walk the long way around.

Anyway Jin has been wanting to kiss Zuko again for a while – and this gives her the ideal opportunity. Also it works (because even Jet would start to feel awkward after a while) and she gets to 'save him'. He would have kissed her back (because I think that he would reciprocate affection shown his way by Jin– and also he may have been entertaining the idea, every now and then, now that they have become friends.) So Jin is feeling pretty good about herself at the end of the kiss – she tries to lay the hint that she is open to more kissing and Zuko would have had a brain freeze. And then shit got awkward. And then Jin ran away – embarrassed because she's come on so strong and reveal so much. Bless her cotton socks.

I think that her and Zuko would almost settle into this friends-who-sometimes-kiss-messy-ill-defined-thing. But you will have to wait until we get back to Ba Sing Se in Not Stalking Firelord Zuko to see how this works out for them. Anyway, loved Jin and I feel bad about calling her shameless hussy all through out this – because really she's just darling.

The Play of _Oma and Shu _is a bastardised version of _Romeo and Juliet._ Jet was Tibalt and Zuko was Mercutio in Jet's imagination.

So Zuko and Jet have two big brawls in this chapter (three if you count the sword fight from the show – because that would happen pretty soon after this chapter). I think that they would be fairly evenly matched in hand to hand combat. I actually couldn't decide which one of them would be the scrappier fighter. But I think that Zuko would be stronger and have more training and technique on his side – and if their fights went on for long enough, he would win. But I didn't think it was plausible that he win all the time – because Jet is still badass. So they both have a turn "on top" – so to speak, in this chapter.

Zuko is really worried about leaving his Uncle alone in this chapter– but not for the reason Jet thinks . In my head canon we are getting close to the "tale of Iroh" and this has always been a hard time of year for his Uncle.

Uncle is also really worried about Zuko in this chapter. Uncle would have sent Zuko out for sausages. Fairly simple errand. Zuko would have returned HOURS later, with no sausages, a great deal of confusion and many bruises. He would have told his Uncle everything! But especially about how Jet now thinks he's a firebender and how Zuko thinks that is all his fault.

Smellerbee would have shown up asking if they had seen Jet and he would have also told her a condensed version of what happened. Not to gossip – but because he is really friggin confused by the whole afternoon's events. He also thinks Smellerbee should know that Jet is getting closer to the **deep end** and that therapy was obviously counter-productive.

There have been a few little snippets about Uncle in previous chapters that all came together for Jet in this last chapter. Jet's threat to Iroh causes Zuko to fly off the handle (because Zuko loves his Uncle). Also I think that Zuko would worry that Uncle was way more likely to get caught out bending that he is. Zuko doesn't mind Jet following him so much, because he's really careful and he normally knows when Jet is there – but he knows that his Uncle uses bending in the kitchen a bit during their busy periods. So as soon as Jet mentions trying to prove something against Iroh – he overreacts massively. In doing so he confirms, in Jet's mind, that Uncle really is a firebender. Look I love Zuko, but he has got _such a temper_ and it has to bite him on the arse occasionally.

Another thing that bites Zuko on the arse (to comical effect) in this chapter is his threatening style. It is also the same as Katara's threatening style. Seriously though, these two both feel _compelled to_ threaten by sticking their face **exceptionally close** to the threatenee and talking in a low whisper. But putting your face **that close** to someone else's could be misunderstood (as it was here – by Jet).

Anyway - I hope you have had at least half as much fun reading this fic as I have writing it. There are some other little side stories to flesh out the stalking universe that I am working on currently. If you have a preference for what you would like to see next let me know in reviews or PM. You can choose from:

One about how Azula made friends with Mai and Ty Lee.

One about the relationship between Toph and her favourite Nanny *cough* Ursa *cough*

One about what happens when Lu Ten is left in charge of Zuko and Azula one day.

One about Azula and Ozai, after Zuko is banished.


End file.
